You may have heard the term co-dependency tossed around in discussions about unhealthy relationships. Usually people are talking about an unhealthy attachment to another person to such an extent that there is a crippling reliance on the support and validation they receive in that relationship. Codependent relationships can occur in the context of a romantic relationship, but these dynamics can also be present in family relationships or friendships as well.
Codependency was first recognized and defined in the context of people with addiction problems and the people who support and facilitate addictive behavior in their partners. However, the pattern has been expanded and understood more broadly in the context of any relationship in which one person’s unhealthy behaviors are accepted and propped up by the other person, who becomes an enabler of the unhealthy patterns.
How to Recognize Codependency in Relationships
To understand codependency, you want to recognize the signs of this unhealthy dynamic in relationships. People who tend towards co-dependency may exhibit the signs of unhealthy attachment in multiple different relationships, and they may repeat these patterns in relationships that they seek out. Often the person is seeking out emotional validation or looking for others who will enable their own unhealthy behaviors, including addiction, irresponsibility, or poor choices.
Some of the signs of codependency in a relationship may include:
- Manipulative behaviors that drain others of time, resources, and/or emotional energy
- Lashing out when others try to set boundaries and limits
- Creating justifications for unreasonable behaviors
- Acting helpless in order to make others feel responsible for helping them or solving their problems
- Becoming disappointed or depressed when others do not rescue them or give in to their demands, claiming no one cares about or supports them
- Using past adverse events or situations to justify current helplessness or lack of responsibility for their choices
- Using other people’s concern for their wellbeing to manipulate situations or extract resources from them
These patterns indicate that codependency has become a coping mechanism to avoid dealing with life’s problems or taking responsibility for life’s challenges. People with codependency often need professional help to understand their own behaviors and take control over their own lives.
Sometimes this means seeking treatment for addiction or mental health problems. Often, family therapy is needed as well in order to break unhealthy patterns in the family dynamic and help everyone establish healthier boundaries with each other. In some cases family members or enmeshed partners have to stop their own enabling behaviors in order to force change in the codependent relationship.
Understanding The Enabler in Codependent Relationships
An important part of understanding codependent relationships is also understanding the role of the enabler. You may wonder why a person would put up with such unhealthy and maladaptive behaviors from someone else. Yet for the enabler in the relationship, they are often getting a secondary gain from the dynamics in the relationship. A secondary gain is typically an unmet emotional need that is being facilitated by the codependent dynamics of the relationship.
To use the example of codependency in addiction, the enabler is often put in the position of facilitating the addicted person’s behaviors by providing money, shelter, rescuing them from unsafe situations, and helping to minimize the negative outcomes of the addictive behaviors. They may be asked to pay for legal assistance, treatment costs, or food and shelter. The enabler may find themself supplying drugs or alcohol, or picking them up when they are intoxicated, or taking care of them when they are hungover or recovering from a drug binge. Even when the addicted person’s behavior and needs become excessive and unreasonable, the enabler often continues to support and facilitate these needs.
Why would anyone allow themself to be manipulated or used over and over again?To start off with, the person in the role of the enabler likely loves and cares about the addicted person very much. It’s difficult to watch someone you love do things that hurt them, and most of us have at least some inclination towards helping those we care about. There may also be a very sincere desire to do whatever is needed to help this person recover from their addiction and improve their life.
However, in codependent relationships this desire to help someone you love becomes excessive and unhealthy. Often, the enabler is also using the relationship to fulfill their own conscious or unconscious emotional needs. They may have a desire to feel needed, or a fear of abandonment, or they may feel validated by rescuing other people. These emotional needs get fed when they become enmeshed with a needy and co-dependent person.
Enablers may also believe that they deserve to be mistreated or used, and may feel that they will not find another person who will need or want them. This desire to maintain the relationship despite the unhealthy patterns will allow the enabler to justify manipulative or even abusive dynamics within the relationship.
Relationships between an enabler and a codependent person can become quite destructive. Enablers have difficulty with setting boundaries and co-dependent people are quite good at blurring and crossing boundaries when it serves them. The needy behavior is reinforced because the codependent person receives attention and nurturing when they exhibit the unhealthy behaviors, thereby further incentivizing the co-dependent patterns.
To understand if you might be enabling codependent behavior, ask yourself these questions:
- Is there someone in your life that makes constant and sometimes unreasonable demands of your time, attention, and/or resources?
- Do you find it difficult to say “no” when they ask things of you?
- Have you covered up for mistakes or unhealthy behaviors such as drug use, accidents, or poor choices for this person?
- Have you protected them from feeling the consequences of their own behavior?
- Do you worry that if you do not rescue them they will abandon you or will suffer from the consequences of their choices?
- Do you avoid confrontation by giving in to their demands?
- Do you ever feel trapped in the relationship, with no good options for how to handle the problems that arise?
- Do you feel like if you don’t help them, no one else will and the person you love will end up alone?
It’s also important to note that both people in a relationship can be codependent. When this happens, both people are enmeshed in unhealthy patterns of facilitating each other’s bad habits while also depending on each other to feel needed and valued. They can develop a desperate kind of love for each other in which they only feel understood and valued by each other, and use their intense connection to justify addictive and maladaptive behaviors with and for each other. They enable each other and use each other as crutches to avoid change.
Breaking the Patterns of Codependency and Enabling
If these relationship dynamics sound familiar to you, then recognizing the codependent pattern is the first step in breaking up these maladaptive habits. These patterns can be hard to break because both people are getting something out of the codependent pattern. The enabler feels needed and validated, while the codependent person feels loved and cared for. Breaking these patterns may require professional help, and most definitely will require behavioral changes that include setting and respecting each other’s boundaries.
While the codependent person is often the one most in need of help and treatment, the enabler is more often the first person who has to change. This is because the codependent person’s behaviors are being reinforced by the enabler. Once the enabler decides that they will no longer facilitate those patterns, the codependent person has to either change or find a different enabler.
This means setting firm boundaries on what will and will not be tolerated in the relationship. Saying “no” to things that you have previously said “yes” to will usually cause conflict, so you have to be prepared to weather the negative reactions from the other person. For the enabler, this step is the part where things get difficult, because they fear they will lose the relationship and no longer feel needed or desired.
Individual, family, or couples therapy is often a necessary step in breaking codependent patterns and establishing healthier relationship dynamics. Whether you have struggled with codependency or you have been the enabler in the relationship, healthier relationships have to start with a willingness to change patterns and examine the emotional needs of everyone involved.
For more on healthy relationships and emotional intelligence, check out these other posts:
How to Identify Toxic Relationships
Emotional Intelligence Series: Setting Boundaries
Relationship Series: Personal Confidence and Your Partnership
9 Tips To Deal With Difficult People
10 Ways to Practice Emotional Intelligence
Jealousy- it’s not a fun emotion to experience and it’s not exactly something to be proud of. Jealousy is a feeling of envy and wishing that you had something that someone else has, or even sometimes wishing that something bad would happen to someone who you perceive as having some kind of advantage over you. Everyone experiences jealousy sometimes, but it’s important to keep it in check to make sure that jealousy doesn’t cause you undue distress or problems in your relationships.
Why Do We Experience Jealousy?
Jealousy is complex, and can be triggered when people feel threatened in some way or have a fear of losing something, such as an important relationship. It can arise when people are competing for the attention of a third party, or when there is a perception that someone has something you don’t have, including some kind of advantage. These feelings can be triggered by competition in romantic relationships, family relationships, work relationships and friendships.
Humans can also experience jealousy when competing for resources and social capital. Social capital just means that certain qualities, such as appearance, financial resources, or personality strengths give people an advantage in the broader society. Our culture is predicated upon people being able to access resources that include things that increase our social and financial capital. This is why you can feel jealous, for example, if you think someone is more attractive than you, because it seems like they have an unfair advantage in being able to secure romantic partners, receive attention or favors, or even to be treated more respectfully or favorably.
There is plenty of research that backs up how people with certain qualities receive more benefits and advantages because of them. People who are considered conventionally attractive tend to get more job offers, make more money, receive more attention from potential romantic partners, more social acceptance, and even more leniency when in trouble. People who have more financial resources tend to have more power, fewer social problems, and yes, more leniency when in trouble. It stands to reason then, that people can look upon others who have these advantages and feel envious that they don’t have the same advantage.
It’s certainly not fair that subjective qualities such as beauty result in more advantages, just as it’s not always fair that objective resources such as money results in other advantages like power or authority or respect. However, given that we are all going to experience jealousy sometimes and we all have to live in the world as it is, it is worthwhile to gain some control over any tendencies towards jealousy you may have and build more resilience towards negative emotional reactions.
What To Do About Jealousy
While jealousy is a natural emotion to experience, it’s distressful and can take up too much of your emotional energy. Not only that, it’s also not very productive as an emotional state. It doesn’t help you improve yourself, it doesn’t help you feel better about yourself, and it doesn’t usually motivate you to work harder on your goals.
It can, however, motivate you to act irrationally, damage your personal relationships, and make you look insecure and petty.
One of the mistakes that I see people make sometimes is that they want someone else to make them feel better when they are feeling jealous. For example, they want their partner to provide more reassurance to them when they feel jealous of another person, or they might make baseless accusations about what other people are thinking or feeling when in reality their perceptions are rooted in jealousy rather than rational facts. This can cause damage in relationships because friends or partners get annoyed and fatigued when they have to constantly provide reassurance for reasons that seem irrational or rooted in insecurity and jealousy.
Combatting jealousy involves turning your focus back onto yourself so that you can stop wasting emotional energy on irrational jealousy. Here are 5 tips on what you can do to combat feelings of jealousy and keep your emotional state in balance:
- Practice Gratitude: First and foremost, practicing gratitude daily can help you feel less jealous and more secure. Increasing the gratitude you have for your life and relationships can help you to feel less threatened by others who may have resources or advantages that you don’t have. There are always going to be people who have more than you, or advantages that you don’t have. Yet in reality there is probably a lot that you can feel grateful for and there are others that have less than you. There may even be people who are jealous of you, though you might not even know it. Check out the link above for tips on how to cultivate a gratitude practice
- Acknowledge your strengths: While it can seem like other people have strengths, privileges, and advantages, you likely have all of those things too. Everyone has strengths, and you likely have advantages too in other ways. Take the time to recognize everything you have that enables you to be successful and helps you to move forward in your life. Make an inventory of your strengths that includes things that you are good at, what you like about your personality, things that make you unique, ways in which you’ve helped other people in positive ways, challenges that you have overcome, and compliments that you have received.
- Check your values: Understanding your values is part of being emotionally intelligent, because your values help to guide your choices and priorities. Vales can be things like love, family, security, fairness, responsibility, loyalty, and many other qualities that you want to embody in your life. Values can be helpful when you’re feeling jealous because more than likely being a jealous person isn’t something that you value or want to prioritize in your life. Think about the values that you want to have and the qualities that you want others to recognize in you. If how you’re feeling isn’t in line with those things, then it’s time to let go of jealousy thoughts and focus on living out your own values.
- Challenge your cognitive distortions: Cognitive distortions are like mind-tricks that we engage in that often involve irrational thoughts that can distort reality and lead to negative emotions. Understanding these distortions can help you overcome jealousy by learning to approach issues from a more rational context. Challenging cognitive distortions involves recognizing irrational thought patterns and then practicing more rational and objective ways of thinking about situations and feelings. For more information on cognitive distortions check out the link above and the other posts in my series on the topic here, here, here, and here.
- Acknowledge feelings of jealousy: When you acknowledge that you are feeling jealous, you can disempower that feeling. People often deny being jealous, but that doesn’t usually help you feel any better. This doesn’t mean you have to tell the person you are jealous of how you feel. That may not be wise or productive, depending on the circumstances. However, even if you just acknowledge it to yourself or another close friend, recognizing that you are having a natural emotion that needs to be dealt with can help you take control of the feeling and confront it. Try to understand why you are feeling that way and what kinds of inadequacies you think you have that are triggering jealous feelings. Then, practice the tips above to put the focus back on being your best self and dropping the comparisons.
Releasing the power that jealousy has on you can be an effective way to build your own confidence and let go of negative emotions. Remember that the only person you need to be in competition with is yourself, and jealousy isn’t serving you in any positive way. When we acknowledge our more unpleasant emotions and work to think about them in more logical and healthy ways, then we gain the benefits of having a higher emotional intelligence. It’s not about denying that you ever feel jealous or pretending that you’re above it all. It’s about acknowledging that you’re human with the same emotions as everybody else, but choosing to not be ruled by those emotions or let them drag you into a negative emotional state.
For more information on Emotional Intelligence, check out these posts:
How to Build Emotional Resilience
Are You Using Selective Self Control?
10 Ways to Practice Emotional Intelligence
4 Steps for Anger Management
When you have been through difficult emotional periods in your life, you know how hard it can be to pull yourself out of a depressive state or break habits that you know are bad for you. Yet you may also know that those difficult experiences have shaped who you are and made you stronger and more capable as a person. Emotional resilience comes from overcoming difficult times and continuing to move forward with your life, even when you may not feel like it.
What Is Emotional Resiliency?
Emotional resilience has to do with how well you cope with difficult emotions when they arise and how well you handle emotional challenges such as grief, anger, frustration, failure, or other problems. When you are emotionally resilient, you still have emotional reactions to the situations you may find yourself in, but you don’t let the circumstances overwhelm you or pull you down into a dark place that leads to self- destructive patterns. Difficulties can be managed, and they do not change who you are as person or what your core values and beliefs are.
If you feel like your emotions are often in charge of how you react to situations instead of you controlling your emotional reactions, then you may need to practice building up your emotional resilience. Strong emotional resilience can help you cope with challenging situations without becoming overwhelmed or wanting to give up.
How To Build Emotional Resiliency
Building emotional resilience can take time, partially because you have to actually experience challenges and struggles in order for you to become resilient towards them. Everyone eventually experiences feelings like grief, anger, frustration, and failure, but the circumstances which trigger these emotions depends on what is happening in your life at any given time.
When you do experience these feelings or are going through a challenging situation, keep these tips in mind to help you cope with those challenges and build emotional resiliency.
- Acceptance: This is a tough one for many people. Accepting circumstances as they are when you really want the situation to be different is always a challenge. However, the sooner you accept that something bad has happened so now you have to figure out how to deal with it, the quicker you can get on with your life and figure out how to move past the problem and towards the solution. Sometimes there might not be a solution, such as when you have lost a loved one to death or when a tragedy has occurred that cannot be changed. While you may experience other stages of grief such as denial, you ultimately must accept the circumstances, so practicing acceptance is a key component of emotional resiliency.
- Figure out what you can control: Sometimes you will not feel like there is much you can control when something bad has happened, but if you think about it and try to look for your choices, you may find the things that are within your control. When you figure out what you can control then you can empower yourself to make the best choices under the circumstances, and that will often lead to improvement in your emotional state.
- Let go of what you cannot control: After you have figured out what you can control, then you can practice letting go of the things you cannot control. That may be clear at times, such as knowing that something in the past has already happened and you can’t change it. Other times it may be more confusing, such as when you are unsure whether your efforts are going to pay off if you take a risk. Sometimes the only thing you may be able to control is your outlook and attitude towards the problem. Regardless of what’s happening, you will feel more resilient towards difficult circumstances when you learn to let go of any anger or resentment towards things you cannot control and try focusing only on what is within your own power to control.
- Acknowledge your emotions: Emotional resilience is not about not having emotions, but it is about understanding and accepting your emotions. You cannot move past an emotion if you do not acknowledge and accept it. For example, if you feel angry about something, but you don’t ever acknowledge or express that anger, then eventually it builds up inside you and turns into resentment and cynicism. Once you acknowledge that you feel angry and work through accepting the circumstances and choices that caused that emotion, then you can let go of it and move on to a calmer emotional state.
- Take responsibility for your actions and reactions: You cannot control what other people do or how they react, but you can control your own behaviors and reactions. When you take responsibility for your own actions, you will feel more in control, which will lead to more emotional resilience. There may be times when you don’t feel proud of your own behavior or reactions. You can still build emotional resilience when that happens though, by resolving to learn from your mistakes and make better choices in the future.
- Recognize when you are being self-destructive: Coping skills can be either healthy or unhealthy, and unhealthy coping skills tend to increase when you’re under stress or dealing with difficult emotions. Part of taking responsibility for your actions and taking control when you can is recognizing when your own coping skills are becoming self-destructive. This can happen when we start using food, or alcohol, or substances, or other unhealthy behaviors to cover up the difficult emotions we are experiencing. When the coping skills you are using are doing more damage to you in long run, it’s time to recognize that your self-destructive behaviors are just prolonging the painful emotions you need to deal with. Emotional resiliency comes from dealing with your emotions, not from covering them up.
- Stop ruminating: Rumination can become unhealthy when you are constantly dwelling on an issue or replaying scenes over and over in your head. You get stuck in a loop of negative thoughts and feelings that don’t help you move forward at all. Sometimes ruminating on a problem can be helpful when you are looking for a solution, but rumination becomes distressful when you become preoccupied with something and can’t move past it. When you are asking yourself questions with no real solution or answer, such as “What if…” or “Why did this happen..”, you can get caught up in cycles of rumination that leave you with no solutions. Instead, try asking yourself questions like “How can I change things…” or “What are my choices..” to try and find solutions. Focusing on those kinds of questions will help you build emotional resiliency as you work on becoming more solution focused rather than staying stuck in negative emotional cycles.
- Release feelings of guilt, shame, and self-blame: This trifecta of emotions can send you on a downwards spiral of self-destructive behavior if you don’t learn to cope with these feelings and release them. This is not about absolving yourself from any blame when something bad has happened, but it is about being realistic about what you are actually responsible for and letting go of these negative emotions when they are not serving you well. If you examine these feelings, you may realize that you have been blaming yourself for things that were not your fault. You might need to recognize that you don’t have to accept responsibility for things you have been feeling guilty about. There might be other times when you do feel sincerely regretful about something you did, and in those times it is appropriate to acknowledge the feelings of guilt and blame. You may need to forgive yourself for things that you regret, or you may need to apologize when it’s appropriate. However, you aren’t helping anyone by drowning in guilt and shame or ruminating about things that are in the past and can’t be changed.
- Understand your own cognitive distortions: Cognitive distortions are like little mind tricks that we all engage in sometimes, but that can distort reality when we don’t look at things in a rational way. You can build up more emotional resiliency when you learn to recognize the mental patterns you use that distort reality and keep you stuck in negative thought patterns. Learn more about cognitive distortions by reading the Cognitive Distortion Series I have on the blog.
- Practice gratitude: When you really feel overwhelmed and stuck in negativity, it’s always a good practice to come back to gratitude. Cultivating a gratitude practice regularly will help you build emotional resiliency by helping you stay focused on the positive things you have in your life and give energy towards more of those things. Even when times are really tough most of us have something that we can be grateful for. Many of us have more than enough to be grateful for, and while none of us is immune from suffering, we can all build emotional strength to help us cope with life and it’s struggles.
Emotional resiliency is a trait that you can develop, and like other areas of personal development, it is something that takes practice. The more you practice dealing with circumstances by choosing acceptance, gratitude and responsibility versus choosing rumination, negativity, and shame, the greater control you will feel over your life and your choices.
You will not always be able to control the circumstances and situations that happen in life, and you will not always be able to control the actions and feelings of others. However, you can choose to mentally shift your perspective in ways that will help you build up more emotional resiliency. Practicing emotional intelligence will help you be better able to handle emotions when they arise and help you feel more confident about how you are choosing to handle problems and circumstances.
For more about Emotional Intelligence, check out these posts:
10 Ways to Practice Emotional Intelligence
Are You Using Selective Self Control?
4 Steps for Anger Management
Cognitive Distortions: Disqualifying the Positive
If you have a relationship with a toxic person, whether that is a romantic relationship, a friendship, or even a family relationship, you might often find yourself frustrated, drained, and confused about how to handle the situation. It’s hard to know how to set boundaries with people or know when to cut ties with someone that you care about. You may not recognize how toxic the relationship has become until you take some time to really think about the patterns that have been established.
What Are Toxic Relationships?
Toxic relationships tend to drain your energy, because the patterns of behavior from a toxic person can be confusing, hypocritical, and exhausting. Some people actually thrive on the conflict and drama that they create in their personal lives. The reasons why people do this are just as confusing, and usually not worth your time to try and figure out. It usually has to do with personal insecurity and poor emotional intelligence. Trying to change the other person or have healthy boundaries can be just as exhausting, because ultimately you can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change, or who doesn’t see the toxic patterns in their own behavior.
There are many signs that the relationship you are in is has become toxic, which means you need to think about changing some things to protect your own mental health and establish healthier relationships with this other person. Again, this could apply to a friendship, a romantic relationship, or another personal relationship, even a co-worker or supervisor. The toxic person in your life may not display all of these sings, but they likely will display at least a few of these signs if their pattern of behavior is unhealthy.
Here are 10 things to look out for that indicate you are in a toxic relationship:
1: You get upset at this person, but then you end up apologizing to them for something else entirely. They have a way of turning arguments or disagreements around so that you end up feeling guilty for everything, even things that are not your fault. They rarely take responsibility for their own faults, and when confronted they turn the focus back to the person who is calling out their behavior.
2: You are constantly accommodating their needs, but when you need help or support, they aren’t there for you. Toxic people tend to latch on to other people who are givers and empaths, but they are often not willing to give support back to other people.
3: They make a lot of promises or agreements, but they rarely follow through with what they say they will do. They are willing to follow through with things that will benefit themselves, but toxic people will not prioritize other people’s needs, so if they see no benefit to themselves, they don’t follow through with their commitments.
4: They are constantly complaining, but they never do anything to change their circumstances. They may blame everyone else for issues, but never take responsibility for solving their own problems. You may find yourself caught up in trying to rescue them often or fix their problems for them. They start to assume that you will be there to fix things for them, and they may even become angry when you don’t fix their problems for them or bail them out from the consequences of their own behaviors.
5: They may be negative more often than not. They will avoid doing things because they insist that things will not work. They may avoid making changes because they always find barriers to making progress or changing their behavior. Even when you try to cheer them up or point out the positive in situations, they will still shut down any solutions you offer or refuse to acknowledge anything positive. It can be hard to be around people like this after awhile because they start to negatively affect your mood, too.
6: Toxic people may avoid issues altogether by denying that a problem exists, or avoid hard conversations by just saying they have nothing to say, or giving one-word answers when you are trying to resolve a problem or talk about an issue. They may also stall, saying that they will do something later, or wait for someone else to do it.
7: You feel like you have to walk on eggshells or watch what you say around this person to avoid an argument or problem. A toxic person may become highly defensive if you try to raise any issue that you want to talk about. They also may have a tendency to say things that are hurtful or condescending, so you become defensive too, so as not to find yourself under attack in some way.
8: They may expect you to read their mind, or know how they feel at all times, so that when they become upset you may be the one who gets blamed. You may find yourself trying to do the right thing, but no matter what you do, they end up finding fault with something you did or said. Toxic people can be extremely difficult to please, because they expect others to cater to them, yet they will easily find fault in others when mistakes happen or if they don’t get their way.
9: They may ignore your boundaries when you try to set limits with them, but they become upset when you try to enforce those boundaries. Toxic people feel victimized when other people set boundaries with them, and so even if you try to set healthy boundaries, they may not respect your wishes or accuse you of abandoning them when you try to stick to those limits.
10: They may make fun of you or otherwise say hurtful things, but if you get upset they accuse you of being too sensitive or of not being able to take a joke. When you stand up for yourself, they distance themselves from you to punish you for doing so. It might seem easier to just let things slide, even when you feel hurt, because trying to address how you feel will just result in an argument or more denials from the toxic person.
There are many other things that toxic people may do that are confusing, hurtful and unhealthy. Unfortunately it can be hard to set boundaries with people like this, and you may still care about them and want to continue to friendship or relationship. However, you need to remember that you cannot change another person, especially someone who does not see the need for them to change.
What To Do If You Are In a Toxic Relationship
Sometimes, you may be able to keep the person in your life, but you might have to cut back on how much time you spend with them. If you are in a romantic relationship with someone who exhibits these patterns, then you really need to consider whether you can continue to tolerate this kind of dynamic in your relationship. It is possible for people to change, but you might need help from a professional, and your partner has to be willing to look at their own toxic patterns.
If these patterns are present in the workplace, you may not have any choice but to try and find other employment, especially if the person is in a supervisory position over you. While you always have to carefully weigh your options when it comes to work, staying in a toxic work environment can cause long-term stress and contribute to a decline in your overall mental health and quality of life. When it is a co-worker you have difficulties with, you can try to limit your conversations to work-related issues and avoid contact with them outside of work.
Other times, when it is a family member or a person that you can’t or don’t want to cut out of your life, you have to start to adjust your expectations and limit how much time and energy you give to this toxic person in your life. Although it can be difficult, you have to ask yourself some hard questions about whether you can continue to spend your emotional energy in a relationship with someone who does not respect your needs or feelings. Setting boundaries and limiting your contact with toxic people are often the best strategies to avoid these relationships have a significant negative effect on your life.
For more information on setting boundaries and emotional intelligence, check out these other posts:
Emotional Intelligence Series: Setting Boundaries
10 Ways to Practice Emotional Intelligence
9 Tips To Deal With Difficult People
When a person experienced a trauma, such as life-threatening events, abusive relationships, sexual assault, or witnessing violence, they often experience physical responses and ailments that may last years after the traumatic experience is over. These kinds of responses in the body are known as psycho-somatic symptoms, and they are part of the mind-body connection to trauma. Healing from trauma can be aided by understanding and including the body’s reaction to trauma and addressing symptoms from a holistic approach that includes physical care.
What are Psycho-somatic Trauma Symptoms?
Psycho-somatic symptoms are any kind of physical symptoms that you experience that seem to have no biological origin, but instead are related to psychological distress. When a person experiences trauma, they may not have physical injuries, but they do have psychological injuries that are expressed in a variety of ways. The response to trauma includes psychological symptoms such as intrusive memories, guilt, depression, anxiety, or disconnection. However, the response to trauma may also include psycho-somatic symptoms that manifest as physical ailments and symptoms.
Your body has the ability to react to danger by increasing adrenaline and other physical responses to enable you to react in order to survive. Your nervous system reacts to enable you to get away, fight back, or shut down to protect yourself- this is also known as your fight, flight, or freeze response. After the danger has passed, the body may still hold that energy in the body or manifest symptoms that serve as a physical place for the pain of the psychological trauma to sit until it can be dispelled.
Psycho-somatic symptoms can occur in a number of ways that are very unique to an individual depending on their personal experiences of trauma and their body’s reaction to it. There are some symptoms, however, that are common for trauma survivors to experience.
Some examples of psycho-somatic responses to trauma may include:
- Muscle Aches and pain
- Exaggerated startle response
- Insomnia or other sleep disturbances
- Gastro-intestinal problems
- Immune system dysfunction
- Fatigue or lack of energy
- Teeth grinding
- Psycho-motor agitation or tremors
- Increased heart rate
Incorporating Somatic Healing in Trauma Recovery
When you understand that some of the physical symptoms you are experiencing may be connected to past traumas, you can begin to consciously start to incorporate your physical healing with your emotional healing. Somatic therapy is an approach to trauma recovery that includes a focus on the connection between the mind and body and the psycho-somatic symptoms that are manifesting in an individual’s trauma response.
There are many effective and important ways in which somatic healing can be incorporated into the trauma recovery process. These include:
This process can help clients become more aware of spots of tension and stress being held in the muscle structure.
These techniques can help clients to use their breath to release tension and calm the body during periods of acute stress, panic, or flashbacks.
Exercise increases circulation in the body and can help dispel negative energy stuck in the body.
Incorporating movement during therapy can help an individual release associated psychological tension in the body.
- Healing touch or energy work such as Reiki
Some clients find gentle touch to aid in relieving tension and pain. Energy work such as reiki may help clients who have difficulty with being touched due to past traumas.
This practice can help relieve muscle tension that may be associated with psycho-somatic symptoms.
Professional massage can also help to dispel muscle aches and pains that may be associated with psycho-somatic responses.
This process involves a therapist guiding a client through traumatic memories and asking the client to note any physical sensations occurring in the body as the memories are processed to increase awareness of somatic responses and help incorporate psychological healing into the somatic experience.
This is another therapist-guided technique that involves moving the client in between a state where physical symptoms are present to one of homeostasis, in which the goal is to help the client dispel stress and negative energy.
The incorporation of any of these methods into your trauma recovery healing process may help trauma survivors to more fully heal from their experiences by reconnecting to their body and establishing an outlet for traumatic psychological injuries to be dispelled from the body. These types of methods can be appropriate for all trauma survivors, but not everyone is the same or needs the same kind of healing, so consultation with a professional therapist is advisable. There are considerations for which methods may be appropriate for certain kinds of trauma.
Considerations for Psycho-Somatic Healing Experiences
Incorporating somatic healing into the trauma recovery process can be a powerful way of integrating the mind and body during the healing process. However, the most important thing to keep in mind when turning to some of these techniques is that trauma healing should be helpful, not harmful, and every technique is not right for everyone.
The comfort of the trauma survivor is of paramount importance during the healing process. This is especially important when it comes to physical touch. Many survivors, particularly those whose trauma involved a violation of their physical boundaries such as in cases of sexual or physical assault, may have extreme distress or discomfort when being touched. In these cases, approaches such as massage or healing touch may not be appropriate. For clients with interest in energy work but who do not feel comfortable with personal touch, an approach such as reiki where hands are not put directly on the client may be more appropriate.
Furthermore, clients who have extreme reactions to distressful memories must be treated with caution and compassion when doing work that involves traumatic memory processing such as titration, pendulation, or body scan meditation. This does not mean these approaches should not be used, but the therapist needs to be aware of their client’s limits and be able to stop the process if the memories become too intense or disturbing. The goal of these therapies is to help aid in healing, not to provoke unnecessary distress in the survivor. All clients should be informed about the limitations and benefits of any process or technique used and be able to consent to participation in the therapy.
Incorporating somatic healing techniques through the trauma recovery process can help clients reconnect with their bodies and incorporate healing with a more holistic approach than traditional psychotherapy alone. While psychotherapy is also an important part of trauma recovery, incorporating somatic healing experiences can enhance the recovery process. However, somatic healing experiences are also not a total substitute for trauma-focused psychotherapy either. A holistic approach to trauma recovery will include attention to healing all parts of the survivor with respect to their needs as an individual.
For more information on Trauma Recovery, check out these posts:
What to Expect from Trauma Recovery Therapy
4 Ways That Trauma Affects Memory
How Trauma Affects Your Brain
10 Ways Trauma Affects Your Relationships
5 Things Needed for Trauma Recovery
Everyone has times in their life when they feel depressed, but clinical depression is more prolonged and intense than just having a sad day once in a while. When you are in a depressive state, it can be a challenge to get out of, even when you’re tired of feeling bad all the time.
Most therapists and other helping people will encourage you to focus on positive experiences, thoughts, and people to help you get out of that depressive state and back to feeling good. However, it’s also helpful to think about some of the things that you can cut out of your life that might be contributing to your depression and making you feel worse. It can be hard to get motivated to do the all the self-care you’re supposed to be doing when you’re in the midst of an intense depressive state.
Cutting some things out instead of adding more to your to-do list can be one strategy to combat depression and start to feel better, so that you actually have the energy to take care of yourself. Here are some things that you can safely ditch when you’re feeling depressed so that you have more time and energy to focus on yourself and get to feeling better:
1: Social Media
We all know that social media can be a place of comparison and drama when it’s not being used properly. When you’re feeling depressed, social media can sometimes contribute to you feeling worse, especially if you get trapped into thinking that everyone’s lives seem better than yours or that other people seem to be happy and thriving while you’re not.
In reality, some people are putting their best faces, experiences, and attitudes forward on social media and not necessarily the full picture of their daily struggles. Others might be constantly posting negativity, berating each other publicly, or starting arguments with little chance for resolution on public forums. All of this can get overwhelming as you’re scrolling through your social feeds.
While it may be tempting to surf through all of your social platforms when you’re feeling down or bored, consider temporarily checking out of your social media profiles when you’re having a depressive episode. The point is not to avoid people or the world in general, but you’ll be better off connecting with people in person who support you rather than spending too much time on social media when you’re feeling down.
2: Toxic People
Most of us know at least one toxic person, and possibly quite a few. Toxic people are the ones that either contribute to all of the negativity in the world because they have negative energy overall, or those who directly speak or act in ways that are hurtful or damaging to those around them. You probably know who the toxic people are in your life if you spend a bit of time thinking about it. It could be the person at work who is always complaining about the office or their home life, or it could be that one friend who pretends to be supportive but in reality finds ways to cut you down or dismiss your feelings whenever given the chance.
If you have a toxic person in your life, feel free to limit your contact with them or cancel any plans you might have made if you are feeling depressed and know their energy would just make things worse. This is all part of having healthy boundaries, and boundaries are part of self-care. When you’re feeling depressed, cutting out time with negative, toxic people is part of getting through that depressive episode. You don’t owe time or attention to people who negatively affect your mental health, even if they are among your friends and family.
3: Excess Clutter
Sometimes when you are feeling depressed, your physical possessions can tend to pile up and your space becomes a physical representation of how you feel inside. Think of dishes taking over the kitchen, laundry taking over the living room, and clutter taking over your whole home. The prospect of cleaning everything up seems overwhelming, and the whole mess contributes to how overwhelmed, sad, and unmotivated you feel. The best strategy when this starts to happen is to tackle one thing at a time.
When you are depressed, you probably aren’t going to feel motivated to de-clutter all of your space, so think about just picking up one thing at a time. When you walk to the bathroom, grab something to throw in the trash on the way or the laundry bin. If you go to the kitchen to get a snack, put up one or two dishes from the dishwashing machine or wash one pot in the sink. Don’t think you have to tackle it all at once, but recognize that one small bit of progress is not too overwhelming to manage, and doing one thing can create momentum. You will likely feel somewhat better when your space isn’t overwhelming you too, so just focus on small tasks, and by the end of one day you will have made some progress.
4: Negative Self- Talk & Rumination
This can be a tough one to tackle, because the nature of depression is such that your mind finds ways to remind you of the negative outlook on almost everything that is happening, and it all gets tied in with the hopelessness and loss of motivation that you are already feeling. However, ditching negative self-talk and negative rumination is one of the most powerful things that you can practice to help combat symptoms of depression.
First, you need to notice the thoughts that you are having that are negative and unhelpful. Recognize when you are engaging in thoughts patterns where you are ruminating on thoughts, people, or experiences that are not helping you to solve a problem or move past an issue. When you are having repetitive thoughts, such as “I can’t do anything right, nothing I do will make a difference, everyone thinks negative things about me…”, then you need to take control over this thought pattern.
When you recognize these negative thought patterns, write down all of the negative things you are saying to yourself, and then directly challenge those thoughts. Make an argument to yourself about why these thoughts are limiting you and make a conscious choice to change those thoughts in a more positive direction. You can enlist the help of a good friend or confident, your therapist if you have one, or you can do it yourself. But don’t let those thoughts go unchallenged, or they will take over your mental space and push you further into that depressive state.
5: Extra Obligations
We all have obligations that we have to meet in order to keep out lives on track and running smoothly. Work, school, family obligations, and other responsibilities are a part of all of our lives. Sometimes, though, you can afford to let go of some of the things you typically feel obligated to do, especially if you are someone who tends to over-commit yourself to others or take on more than you can reasonably handle. If this is a problem you have, then these extra-obligations can feel like more opportunities for failure or letting people down, and when you’re depressed, that can take on extra significance. When you are experiencing a depressive episode, however, this is a time to trim down your extra obligations and focus on getting your basic needs met.
If you have a partner that can pick up some of the slack, then enlist their help when possible. If you need to cancel plans that feel too burdensome, that’s okay, just try to be conscientious and forthright towards people that you have made commitments to. You don’t have to over-explain everything, but it’s okay to let people know that you’re not feeling well and you’re not able to meet those obligations you’ve committed to.
This is not to say that you can abandon all of your responsibilities. If you start to just check out of everything, like taking too many days off work, not taking care of your children, or abandoning tasks that need to get done like paying bills then you might find yourself suffering from consequences that will make your depression worse. This strategy is about ditching the excess stuff that you can do without, like too many social obligations or over-committing to extra projects. If you find yourself struggling to complete necessary obligations that keep your life together, then it’s time to get some professional help with your depression.
Manage Depression by Focusing on One Thing At A Time
Managing depression usually requires multiple different strategies, and sometimes it feels like a beast that is too hard to tackle all at once. You don’t have to give in to the sadness and fatigue, though. Every day and every hour is a new opportunity to try something different, and it will be worth the effort you make to feel better.
When it seems like self-care is elusive or like no matter what you do you’re still feeling bad, then try to trim down what you’re focusing on. Thinking about everything all at once can be too overwhelming, so just try to think about one strategy at a time and give yourself credit for that. Abandoning your social media scrolling in favor of a walk outside or canceling dinner plans with that toxic person in favor of some time spent journaling or calling your more positive friend who lives across the country can make a difference in how you feel at the end of the day.
It’s important to understand what to expect from trauma recovery therapy in order for you to get the most out of your counseling experience. Everyone’s experiences are different, and so it’s important to understand that your needs are going to be unique, so it is worth the time it takes to find the right therapist for you. Sometimes this is just about a personality fit, but there are other considerations as well.
The decision to go to counseling after a traumatic event can be difficult for many people trying to recover after trauma. The reasons may include a need to detach from the traumatic event and avoid thinking or talking about it, the distress that comes from recovering memories of traumatic events, or perhaps previous negative experiences with counseling that cause people to be wary of seeking out therapy or any kind of mental health care. However, engaging in trauma recovery therapy can be life-changing for many people and can help them move on with their lives in a positive way.
There are several things to keep in mind when you are considering counseling for trauma recovery. Having the right expectations can help you get the most out of your counseling experience and hopefully make it a healing and therapeutic process. If you are considering seeking therapy for trauma recovery, keep the following things in mind:
1. Finding the Right Therapist May Take Time
One of the most important parts of trauma recovery counseling is to have a therapist that you trust and feel comfortable with. This means that you might have to see a few different providers until you find the right therapist for you.
Any professional therapist should be able to work with clients who have experienced trauma, but that doesn’t mean that any therapist is right for you. Furthermore, some therapists do specialize in trauma recovery so you might want to ask if the therapist you will be seeing has experience with your area of need.
If you have been sexually assaulted, you may have preferences as to the gender of your therapist, or you may have other preferences based on your comfort with any particular person. It is totally fine to seek out therapists that possess qualities that help you to feel more comfortable. This is also true if you have other unique needs related to your personal background, history, experiences, or culture.
Therapy is about YOU, so don’t feel bad about seeking out a therapist that you feel the most comfortable with. Most therapists are not going to be offended if you tell them that you have decided to go with a different provider.
2. You Don’t Have To Talk About the Details
Unless you want to. Trauma recovery therapy should be a place where you feel safe to discuss traumatic experiences that have happened to you and how they have affected you. It’s more important, though, that you feel comfortable with any decision to disclose certain details related to the trauma with your therapist. When you are ready and you have built a trusting relationship with your therapist, you can feel free to talk about the details of your experiences. However, you don’t have to feel pressured to disclose every detail of the trauma if you’re not comfortable doing so. It could take time and some work in therapy before you feel ready to share certain details.
Some people feel intense shame or guilt related to their traumatic experiences. Talking about certain details that trigger feelings of shame surrounding the trauma can be healing when done in a safe and therapeutic environment. However, sometimes when clients share things before they’re truly ready, they can feel too overwhelmed with therapy and then stop coming because they are uncomfortable. This is why it is more important that you feel comfortable with your decision to share things with your therapist than it is to just release everything all at once before you’re ready.
3. Trauma Recovery Therapy Can Be A Trigger
This can happen for a couple reasons. Sometimes, people are used to avoiding uncomfortable emotions, and other times people may be doing better and therapy starts to just remind them of the trauma. Unfortunately, because therapy can be trigger for some people, this may cause people to avoid therapy or to feel extra stress around or after appointments.
Many people use avoidance as a way of coping with trauma. After a traumatic experience, you may try to distract yourself from thinking about the trauma as a way to avoid the distress that comes with those memories. This is a normal reaction, but when you are used to using avoidance to cope with difficult feelings related to the trauma you may find yourself feeling triggered when it is time to talk about things in therapy. If this starts to happen, it’s a good idea to talk to your therapist about what you’re experiencing, especially if you are thinking about stopping therapy or not returning because you feel overwhelmed.
When you have made some progress in therapy and you are feeling better in your daily life, you might find that therapy starts to remind you of the trauma just when you’re starting to feel good about not thinking about it all the time. Sometimes, you might decide together with your therapist that it’s time for a break in therapy for a while, or to go longer in between appointments. Just try to keep the communication open with your therapist about what you need.
4. Your Therapist is Human Too
Therapy can be such a delicate process, especially when it is related to traumatic experiences. Most therapists are compassionate, empathetic and kind people that truly want to help their clients and are not going to judge you or shame you in therapy. Yet even the best therapists sometimes say things the wrong way, or don’t know exactly what to say, or make other mistakes that might upset you.
When this happens, try to remember that your therapist is just another human being who sometimes makes mistakes at work too. Certainly if there is some kind of ongoing issue with your therapist that is impacting your treatment experience then you might decide to seek out another therapist. However, if you let your therapist know how you’re feeling, whether you were upset with how they said something or you feel they are doing something else that you don’t understand or like, most therapists will be open to having a discussion about it and trying to resolve the issue. Resolving a conflict with your therapist can actually be a pretty therapeutic way to practice doing the same thing in your regular life and can help you gain confidence in your own ability to handle problems.
5. Therapy Heals but Doesn’t Cure
Getting counseling and support to help you recover from a traumatic experience is an important step towards healing emotionally afterwards. Ultimately, though, therapy cannot change what happened to you and cannot guarantee that you’ll overcome all of the painful feelings associated with the trauma.
Therapy can help you to process through all of the emotional distress related to traumatic events and can help you cope with the impact to your life and mental health. Trauma impacts people in so many different ways, from painful memories to damaged relationships years after the trauma. Therapy can help you resolve some of these problems and learn to reduce the negative impact of the trauma on your life.
However, the truth is that trauma is a psychological injury, and just like major physical injuries, sometimes you will never be the same. Healing a psychological injury is important to your mental health, but therapy can’t take away the experience of the trauma or make you go back to how you were before a major traumatic event.
Healing after trauma is more about adapting to the new normal of your life, where you have to work to accept the facts of what happened and create your own understanding and narrative of what it all means for you moving forward. Therapy can help you with this adjustment and give you the support and tools you need to limit the negative impact of the trauma on your life moving forward.
Are You Ready For Trauma Therapy?
Having the right expectations for trauma recovery therapy will help you get the most out of counseling, but some people are still unsure about whether they need or are ready for counseling. In truth, there are times when some people are just not ready for counseling, and it can take some people years after trauma to be really ready for counseling.
After a traumatic event and especially after a prolonged period of extended trauma, such as in abusive relationships or homes, people may be in survival-mode emotionally. Not everyone is ready for therapy immediately after getting out of a traumatic situation, which is okay. Often, it is not until much later that people realize how much of a long term impact the trauma has had on them and their relationships and coping mechanisms.
As mentioned previously, when people enter into therapy when they are not ready or disclose too much too soon in therapy, they can become uncomfortable or triggered and stop coming to counseling. It is a challenge to work through that discomfort, but when the emotional pain of coping with the trauma on your own becomes too overwhelming it is time to get some support and guidance to help you recover.
When you are ready to seek out counseling to help you cope with trauma that you have experienced, consider what your expectations are for counseling and then do some research to help you find the right therapist for your needs. Don’t let fear or anxiety over the counseling process stop you from getting the help you need. It can get better with time and you can get support and help if you are willing and able to participate in the therapeutic process.
Depression can feel like an overwhelming sadness that saps the joy out of your life and prevents you from taking even small steps forward. Depression is treatable, though, and there are many ways to manage the symptoms of depression. Treatment is different for everyone, and what works for one person may not work for another. This is why it is important to have a lot of different coping methods and options for how to manage your depression.
Unfortunately, many people suffer through depression without the support or resources they need to help alleviate their symptoms in an effective way. This may be true for a number of reasons, including embarrassment or shame about the struggle with depression, lack of support from friends or family, a lack of access to resources to treat depression, or just not knowing what to do to deal with the overwhelming feelings.
Tips To Manage Depression
It’s important to understand that managing depression is usually not going to be a quick and easy fix. Most people have to really try to use multiple strategies to help them with their symptoms, depending on what their specific circumstances and experiences are. Here are 10 tips and strategies to help manage your symptoms that may help to provide some relief from the severity of your symptoms.
1. Talk about it
When you are struggling with depression, you may want to isolate yourself from others and hide how bad you are feeling. This is understandable because part of depression is often feeling like a burden on others, or believing that people in your life don’t truly care about you or what you have going on. Sometimes it is absolutely true that the people in your life are not as supportive as you need them to be. However sometimes there really are people that care about you and want to be able to be there for you and support you. Talking about your feelings and what you are going through with people who are genuinely concerned for you and care about you is such an important part of managing depression. Even when you don’t really understand why you’re feeling so down, just talking about the struggle can be helpful. When we don’t give our feelings a voice, they will continue to stay stuck inside you. Try to think about the people who have offered to listen or support you in the past and let them know that you could use someone to talk to. You might be surprised at who is willing to listen.
Writing or journaling is an excellent outlet for people who enjoy this kind of practice. This is basically the same kind of practice as talking to someone else, it just keeps your thoughts and feelings more private while you still have an outlet to express them and get them out of your head. Journaling can be a way to directly express and release distressful thoughts and feelings, while creative writing can be a totally different way of accomplishing the same thing. Writing poetry is one example of creative writing, but you could even write fiction if you feel like it. Some people may find writing or journaling to be stressful or unproductive and that is totally fine. You don’t have to do this if it’s not your style or you don’t find it helpful. But for the writers out there, this can be an invaluable way to cope with your symptoms.
3. Use creative expression (art, music)
Aside from writing, there are many other forms of creative expression that can be an outlet for your feelings. If you are drawn to visual arts, painting, drawing, sculpture, and even coloring can be good creative outlets for you to express how your feeling. If not, consider music, dance, or other forms of self-expression. Think about what you feel your depression looks or feels like and put that down in some kind of artistic medium. Giving your depression a concrete representation through creative expression can help you feel more power and control over those emotions.
4. Intuitive exercise
Exercise has been clinically proven to help alleviate symptoms of depression and other mental health symptoms, but from a therapeutic perspective I always recommend intuitive exercise when it comes to managing mental health. This means that you absolutely should use exercise, but you should focus only on exercise that you enjoy and that doesn’t stress you out. This means that the most important thing to consider is what the impact of that form of exercise is on you specifically. It will be different for each person. One person may find yoga therapeutic, but the idea of a Cross-Fit session makes them dread even leaving the house. Another person may find kick-boxing exhilarating and energy-giving, but find walking dull and unhelpful. The main concern should be listening to your body and your own intuition and honoring what feels best and most helpful to you.
Getting some sun and spending time in nature is another important way to create an overall healthy lifestyle to manage symptoms of depression. Sunlight is also a proven natural therapy that can boost mood and provide an important source of Vitamin D. for people who struggle with depression, taking a short walk outside when the sun is out or even absorbing the sun’s rays relaxing in a park or by the pool can provide a little boost to your mood. I have actually seen this benefit people in therapy, as well. When I have clients that are really stuck in a rut and can’t seem to do much else to combat their depression, sometimes taking their dog for a walk outside daily and spending a little more time in the sun and a little less time indoors in the dark can provide just the smallest boost they need to start feeling a little better. Gardening is another natural therapy with proven mental health benefits that helps you get some sunlight into your life.
6. Gratitude practices
Doing a daily or weekly gratitude practice is a good thing for everyone to do, but when you are struggling with depression, it is really important. Sometimes that can be hard to do, when you are feeling so low and it seems like nothing is going your way. Yet there is almost always something to be grateful for, and sometimes you have to start small when you can’t see the big picture. Sometimes if might be just having a bed to sleep in today, or having the love of one person in your life. Often, though, there is so much to be grateful for, but we don’t always see it when we are struggling. Being more intentional about gratitude can help you frame things in a way that helps you to shift your mindset away from depression and towards feeling grateful for all you have in your life. For more on creating a gratitude practice, see this post.
7. Access counseling
This can be a tough one for many people both because the idea of counseling can be intimidating, and also because many people struggle with access to mental health services due to the many complicating factors involved in our healthcare system. Furthermore, some people may have had negative experiences with counseling in past and therefore are hesitant to form a trusting relationship with a counselor again. However, if you are able to see a counselor, I would encourage anyone who is struggling with depression to seek help. There are many dedicated and caring professionals with experience treating depression. Sometimes it takes a little time and effort to find the right therapist for you, but it is well worth it to find the person who you feel most comfortable with. Counseling has saved many people’s lives, and having that professional support could make a huge difference in managing your depression.
8. Take time off
This strategy can also be difficult for many people because of the barriers involved in taking time out from work, family, or other social obligations. There are financial considerations, work performance considerations, and the pressure of stepping away from all of the obligations you have towards people who are counting on you. All of that extra pressure can trigger your symptoms of depression to worsen and leave you feeling hopeless about ever being able to take a break. Everyone has to evaluate their own situation and figure out what they can reasonably do to get a break from some of the things that may be overwhelming you and exacerbating your depression. What you don’t have to do, though, is feel guilty about taking time to take care of yourself. Your life and health are important—just as important as everyone else’s and certainly more important than any task or social obligation you may feel tied to. Releasing yourself from the guilt of taking time to take care for yourself is one thing that you can do right now to help manage your depression.
9. Plan for the future
When you feel depressed, you may feel hopeless about the future. The present may seem miserable and the past may seem like it clings to you. You cannot change the past, but you can change your future, and thinking about and planning for all the things you want to look forward to can help to alleviate some of the sadness and hopelessness you feel. Believing that things can change is one of the keys to managing major depression, because feeling hopeless is a significant symptoms of depression. There is no guaranteed outcome in life, but as long as you can see a future for yourself where things are different, then you can hang onto that hope for a time when you will feel better and be able to live your life fully. Make a promise to never give up on yourself by envisioning the future that you want for yourself and use that vision to give you hope when you are feeling low.
10. Consider Medication
Mental health medication can be life-saving for some people, yet many people are hesitant to take them. This could be due to being worried about side effects, not wanting to be “dependent” on a medication, or not having access to appropriate mental health care. Not everyone needs to be on a medication, but it is appropriate and even necessary for some people depending on the severity of their symptoms. Taking an anti-depressant is nothing to be ashamed about. In fact, you probably know several people on mental health medications, even if you are not aware of it. Taking a mental health medication is a serious decision, though, and one that should be made by you and your doctor together. For more information on how to know when a mental health medication is right for you, see this post.
Managing depression usually requires people to use several different methods to help combat their symptoms and help them feel better over time. Some people may need long-term treatment, while others may be able to recover after a few months of treatment. There are so many factors that influence how severe an episode of depression is, but please remember that help is available and that depression is a treatable condition. Above all, listen to yourself and your needs, and recognize that your life is worth fighting for. You are not alone in how you are feeling, and you can get better with treatment and support.
For more information and resources on depression and mental illness, please visit:
National Alliance on Mental Illness
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
In this post I’m going to talk about how to use a form of sensory distraction called the RAINBOW Method in order to combat a panic or anxiety attack. Having a panic attack can be incredibly distressful, leaving you feeling overwhelmed and having difficulty breathing or calming yourself. Using sensory distraction is one way of coping during a panic attack, and there are several ways to do this.
What is Sensory Distraction?
Sensory distraction involves using your 5 senses to change your focus from the overwhelming feelings you are having during an acute panic or anxiety attach to a calmer state of mind. It is one method of coping with acute anxiety and panic. I have another full post on using all 5 of your senses for this purpose here.
How to Use the RAINBOW Method to Stop Panic and Anxiety
The RAINBOW method involves the use of your visual senses. The best way to use this method is preferably outdoors, but you can use it indoors if necessary. I usually recommend walking and using deep breathing methods at the same time.
For this practice, you are going to focus on looking for each of the colors of the rainbow in order, and taking deep breaths while you repeat the colors mentally in your head. So first, you will look for something red. It can be a red bird, a red leaf, a red bug, or any other red thing that you can see. Take a deep breath while looking at it and repeat in your head “There is a red bird” or whatever else you happen to be looking at.
Then you will do the same thing with the next color, which is orange. So look for something orange, take a deep breath, and say to yourself “There is an orange butterfly”, or plant, or leaf, et cetera.
Continue to do this with each of the colors of the rainbow, starting with red, then orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, and violet. If you get stuck and feel like you can’t move forward, just go back to the colors you’ve already seen, and continue to breathe deeply and slowly repeat your visual observations for each color.
For example, your practice of this method might go something like this:
“I see a red cardinal. (Take a deep breath). I see an orange butterfly. (Deep breath). I see yellow from the light of the sun. (Deep breath). I see green in all of the trees I am looking at. (Deep breath). I see blue in the sky. (Deep breath). I see indigo in the leaves on a bush. (Deep breath). I see violet in a flower that is blooming. (Deep breath).”
You can think of this practice as kind-of like a mantra that you can use during period of overwhelming anxiety to bring your attention back to present moment.
Why Does This Method Work to Stop Panic and Anxiety?
Anxiety is rooted in fear and worry over the future, things you cannot control, things that you have to accomplish, and your own expectations of yourself and others. To calm anxiety, we have to let go of fear and worry and focus on the present moment, because staying in the present allows you to actually release those fears and worries by focusing solely on the moment that you are in right now.
Sensory distraction is one of the ways that you can practice coming back to the present moment and releasing the fear and anxiety you have that are causing such overwhelming distress. The Rainbow Method is one way of using your visual senses to bring attention back to the present moment.
This method can take a few minutes to work, so it is helpful to continue repeating the visual mantra to yourself while you use other coping methods as well to bring your symptoms back under control.
How Does the RAINBOW Method work with other Coping Skills?
Combating panic and anxiety attacks should be thought of as using several different tools in your tool box of coping skills. When you are having an acute panic attack, you need to combat the symptoms using several different coping methods.
If you have medication for panic attacks that you take PRN (per required need), you can use your medication to help you calm down. However, sometimes medication for anxiety attacks can take a little while to work, sometimes up to 15 or 30 minutes, so you need to have some other tools and coping skills that you can use to help you bring your heart-rate down and bring your breathing back under control. For those who do not have a medication to take PRN for an acute panic attack, building up other non-medical strategies to combat panic attacks is also essential.
Deep breathing is a MUST during a panic attack, because you likely have an elevated heart rate and increased respiratory rate, both common symptoms of an anxiety attack. So first and foremost start taking deep breaths, breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth. Try to extend the length of your breaths, making each breath longer and slower until you reach a comfortable respiratory rate.
You can also use an essential oil as aromatherapy during a panic attack, which is another form of sensory distraction related to your sense of smell. I have more information on how to use oils for anxiety in this post.
The combination of walking, breathing, and using sensory distraction methods is the best way that I know of to combat an acute panic attack when you do not have access to a medication or do not want to use one.
Responding to Anxiety and Panic
Anxiety can strike at unexpected times. You can be having a good day and feeling confident when your anxiety kicks into overdrive, leaving you feeling overwhelmed and frustrated with an onslaught of symptoms you didn’t see coming, such as tightness in your chest, difficulty breathing, uncontrollable crying and body tremors.
This is your body responding to stress with a heightened state of arousal designed to put you on edge so that you can confront whatever stressors you are facing at the time. However, anxiety attacks can be disruptive, stressful, embarrassing, and leave you feeling out of control. Learning to use your own senses to combat these symptoms is a key skill to have if you struggle with panic and anxiety.
If you would like a guided mediation audio track of the RAINBOW method that you can use to help you during an acute episode of anxiety or panic, just submit your information on the form below and I will send you a free 10 minute audio track of this method in practice. I designed this guided meditation with my clients in mind who suffer from panic and anxiety attacks. This track will guide you through a deep breathing exercise and the RAINBOW method of sensory distraction, set to calming music, allowing you to focus and settle your overwhelming feelings.