by rachelthemuse | Jul 23, 2018 | Cognitive Distortions, Emotional Intelligence, Mental Health, Self-care
This post is going to be the first in a series of posts that I will be doing about Cognitive Distortions. Cognitive distortions are basically little mind games we engage in, or tricks that we play on ourselves that distort how we think about the situations we are in or how we interpret events that happen to us. They can be self-limiting and cause us distress because we are using our emotions to create a narrative that may not be truly accurate. We all fall victim to these cognitive distortions from time to time, but as individuals we may engage in one or more cognitive distortions regularly, so it can be helpful to recognize when we have an ingrained pattern of thinking that is distorted and needs to be changed in order to increase our mental wellness and have a healthy mentality. Today I’m going to talk about a very common cognitive distortion that I have found many of my clients identify with when we talk about these mental tricks we play on ourselves: Catastrophizing.
Catastrophizing basically happens when we take a situation and either make it have more significance than it really deserves (turn it into a catastrophe when it doesn’t have to be) or we predict that a catastrophe is going to occur before we really know the outcome of a situation. Basically this means that you are always expecting the worst case scenarios, and you may take ordinary problems and interpret them in ways that become overwhelming and seem insurmountable.
We often cannot see the positive in a given situation when we are in the midst of a crisis. Yet given time, many situations that we stress and worry about will resolve themselves with time, or you can solve the problem with a little effort. To give you an example, I will discuss a common situation that I ran into with clients: those who were being separated from the military. Being separated from the military can be extremely stressful because it entails a huge shift in your lifestyle. You go from having the military basically be in charge of all major decisions in your life (where you live, for how long, what job you have, where you get benefits for your family from) to being out on your own and in need of a job that provides some of the stability and security that the military provided while you were active duty. In the best of circumstances you have a chance to plan ahead and move forward with those plans when your separation date approaches. However, not everyone gets a lot of advance notice. Sometimes people get separated because of an injury or disability, sometimes people don’t get higher tenure and have to separate, some people don’t make the fitness requirements and have to separate, or they get into trouble because of behavioral problems and face involuntary separation. Regardless of the reason they have to separate they are losing their job. Anyone can understand how stressful and difficult it must feel to know that you are about to lose your job, income, and benefits.
However, just as with everything else in life, we can choose how to interpret and cope with this information. You can argue that being involuntarily separated from the military is, indeed, a catastrophe. That is how many of my clients interpreted their situation when they realized that separation was a possibility. However, once we dug a little deeper into their options, the situation was not always so catastrophic. In fact, we often discovered that separating from the military could end up being a positive change that propelled their lives forward in ways that helped them pursue their higher goals. They realized that they would finally have time to go back to school to pursue other career goals, or they realized that they would no longer have to deal with stress of deployments, the separation from their family, or the grueling schedules they had been keeping. Once we were able to process through their options and find the best path for them to move forward, separation didn’t have to be such a catastrophe. Certainly the adjustment would still be stressful, but it didn’t mean that their lives or their careers were over with. Re-framing the situation to look for opportunities instead of looking only at the catastrophic event of involuntary separation helped them to put their energy into making plans for their future instead of ruminating on the looming changes in a negative way and thinking about all the things they would not have access to anymore. The situation hadn’t changed at all, but the way we were looking at it had.
This is a powerful shift that anyone can do. If you find that you often interpret events that happen as a total catastrophe that you have no control over and can only result in terrible things, or presume that the worst possible outcome will indeed occur, think about how much distress this way of thinking is causing you. Look for your choices. We always have choices, even when we feel that we don’t. The reason this is true is because even in the worst situations, where there appear to be no choices, we always have a choice about our mentality. Sometimes our mind is the only thing we CAN control, and so that’s why it’s so important to make sure your mentality is healthy. Few people get through life without some major hurdles, so we all will come face to face with difficult circumstances or unexpected setbacks. However, choosing to look at a situation and decide that it is a catastrophe will only increase your suffering, and doesn’t help you resolve the issue. Recognizing this pattern and learning to look for your choices will help you to stop turning ordinary problems into overwhelming disasters. Cognitive distortions don’t do us any favors. They may be common, but they don’t have to rule over our emotions if we don’t let them. Ask yourself what difference this situation might make to you in a year, or 5 years. Chances are, many situations are going to be resolved and you will have moved past them by that time, or you may have to make some adjustments in your life. Of course there may be times when an actual catastrophe happens, but that just means you need to reserve your energy and focus to deal with the major problems that you WILL have to deal with, and stop letting ordinary situations (like your boss criticizing your work performance) have undue influence over your mood and happiness.
by rachelthemuse | Jul 16, 2018 | Emotional Intelligence, Medication Management, Mental Health
Note: Always consult with your doctor when making decisions about your options for medication and the severity of your symptoms.
People experience mental health symptoms on a scale, which is to say that the severity of their symptoms vary widely amongst individuals. For example, most people have a bandwidth of happiness in which they exist regardless of their circumstances. Think about happiness as being a scale from 1-10, in which 10 is the most happy, joyful, and blissful mood you can experience, and 1 is being so depressed that you are suicidal. Some people never get to that feeling of 1. Even when things are really bad, such as experiencing the pain of grief, or significant financial hardships, or experiencing a severe trauma or assault, they still never get to the point at which they are suicidal. Maybe that person stays within a bandwidth of 5-9, so that when things are really, really, bad, they would rate their happiness around a level 5, and when things are going really, really well, they get pretty close to that 10 on the happiness scale. There are other people, though, who never ever get to that feeling of 10. They tend more towards depression, and when things are really, really going well, they experience their happiness around perhaps a 7, but when they are really struggling with things going on in their life, or something pretty bad happens, they can become suicidal and really struggle to cope with their circumstances.
All this means is that some individuals may need more interventions depending on where they fall on an overall bandwidth of their symptoms. The same analogy above can be considered when you are thinking about symptoms of anxiety as well. Some people tend to have more of an anxious nature, while others may be very laid back in how they handle life’s curveballs, and many of us land somewhere in between. You can use this analogy to help you determine how severe your symptoms are and whether or not your symptoms are likely to improve with non-medical interventions such as traditional talk therapy, utilizing your coping skills, and reaching out for support from family and friends, or whether you need to seek out medical interventions.
I have found in my clinical practice that many people do not want to take medication for depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, or other diagnoses or symptoms. This is understandable, because no one wants to feel like they have to have a crutch to help them cope with life. However, there is no shame in using a medical intervention when needed to help you better manage your mental health. We use medication all the time to address our physical health needs. Just as we preserve our physical health by using non-medical interventions such as diet, exercise, and lifestyle changes when necessary, we can use our coping skills, support systems, and lifestyle changes to preserve and promote our mental health. However, just as we sometimes need an antibiotic or another medication to manage a temporary or chronic physical condition, we may need to use a mental health medication to manage a temporary or chronic mental health condition.
If you are wondering whether medication is right for your mental health, consider the following in order to help you make a decision about whether a temporary or long-term mental health medication is something you should discuss with a therapist or doctor.
- You have been diagnosed with a mental health condition that includes symptoms of psychosis or other features that necessitate medication management.
- If you have a mental health diagnosis that includes symptoms such as hearing voices, dissociative states, or severe mood swings, medication may be something that needs to be included in your long-term treatment plan. While some diagnoses may be temporary in nature, other conditions such as schizophrenia, dissociative identity disorder, or bipolar disorder require long term treatment and medication is frequently a part of the treatment recommendations. Understandably, there are many people who resist being on medication long term. People with these conditions often do benefit from their medication protocols, but they can be susceptible to lapses in medication compliance because they begin to feel better and mistakenly believe that they no longer need the medication. This can result in a harmful cycle of symptom escalation, which could be avoided with regular compliance with their medication protocols. If you have a more severe clinical diagnosis, it is important to recognize that medication can be an important part of maintaining a good quality of life, with your symptoms being closely monitored by your treatment team and your medications managed by a doctor you trust.
- Your symptoms have been ongoing for a month or longer.
- We all experience temporary struggles in life that can affect our mood and can increase symptoms of depression or anxiety. However, sometimes those feelings become overwhelming and our regular coping skills aren’t cutting it when it comes to managing our mental health. For example, you may experience a significant loss in your life and grief becomes overwhelming. Or, you might be going through an extremely stressful life change, and your anxiety starts to escalate to the point at which you begin to experience panic attacks. While some stress, depression, or anxiety is normal when you experience these major life changes, if you are experiencing significant distress for a month or longer, please consider consulting your doctor or a psychiatrist to help you learn what medical options may help you experience some relief.
- You have begun to experience physical manifestations of your mental health symptoms.
- When your body starts to show physical signs of your mental health stress, it is probably time to consult with a doctor about your symptoms. For example, some anxiety under periods of stress is normal, but when you start to experience panic attacks, tightness in your chest, or hyperventilation, you have crossed a threshold at which medication management may be another tool that you can benefit from to get relief from the distress. This applies to depression, too. Many people experience bouts of depression during difficult times in their lives, but when your depression is causing extreme fatigue, disrupted sleep, changes in weight, body aches and pains, or other physical manifestations, you may benefit from trying an anti-depressant under the supervision of a qualified doctor.
- You have tried utilizing your coping skills and support system but your symptoms have not improved.
- I am a big advocate of utilizing non-medical interventions for mental health treatment and building the right skills to help manage symptoms on your own. However, this doesn’t mean that medication can’t be an appropriate tool to use when your other skills are not helping you to feel better. We all need to develop and use our own coping skills and reach out to our positive support systems when we are distressed. Yet if you have tried these interventions and you are still suffering, there is no shame in seeking out more help when needed. This doesn’t mean you have to be on medication forever, but medication can help your brain chemistry a little bit, and help you get back to feeling normal (whatever that is for you) again.
- You have had thoughts of wanting to harm yourself or other people, or you have engaged in self-harm behaviors such as cutting to relieve or manage your symptoms.
- Self-harm behaviors or suicidal ideations are significant indicators that you may need some help with medication management. No one deserves to feel like they need to harm themselves to experience relief from anxiety or depression, and no one deserves to feel like their life is not valuable enough to fight for. If you have engaged in self-harm behaviors (including disordered eating behaviors like restriction, binging, and purging) or you have thoughts of wanting to harm yourself, you need to talk to a professional about getting your symptoms under control so that you can stop harming yourself and start working towards recovery. Your life and your mental health are worth fighting for and you should not feel ashamed about seeking medical help. If you have significant anger issues that result in you having thoughts of wanting to act out in violence or harm others, you also may need to seek medication in addition to traditional therapy in order to prevent an escalation of these impulses.
- You are engaging in other forms of self-medication such as overuse of alcohol, marijuana or other substances to get relief from your symptoms.
- If you find that you are using alcohol or other substances on a regular basis to experience relief from symptoms of depression or anxiety, your efforts may backfire on you. Alcohol is a depressant, and thus it may temporarily make you feel more relaxed or less anxious, but it can ultimately exacerbate your symptoms. Alcohol also interferes with your sleep, and the lack of quality sleep can also exacerbate your symptoms (hint: passing out is NOT quality sleep!).
- Substance use functions as a form of escapism for many people, but your problems are still there when you wake up in the morning. If you really want to get a handle on symptoms of depression, anxiety, or other mental health conditions, think about your use of substances and whether it is really helping you improve your life, or if it is just serving as a form of self-medication or causing you to avoid seeking professional help.
- Alcohol and other substances can interfere with many medications. If you have consulted with your doctor and decided that medication is right for you, be sure to let your doctor know about your drinking or other habits so that they can ensure you are informed about potential interactions or side effects when taking your medication.
So, what if you have been on medication for mental health symptoms, but now you are feeling better and you don’t want to be on medication any longer? First, recognize that if you are feeling better- this means the medication is working as intended. Some people want to get off medication as soon as they start to feel better, but understand that you may need to stay on the medication for a while longer, especially if you are getting good results. Sometimes people stay on an anxiety medication or an anti-depressant for a year or longer. However, if you have done the work of developing stronger coping skills, or you have had success with traditional therapy and feel as though you are ready to wean off of a medication that you have been utilizing to address your symptoms, you can seek guidance from your providers about your options for the next steps. A good provider will be honest and frank with you about your progress and the risks and benefits of changing your medication protocol. However, if you have decided to go off of your medication, make sure that you do so under the guidance of your doctor. Many medications build up in your body in order to reach a therapeutic level (the dosage at which they are most effective). It is very important not to wean yourself off of a medication without consulting your doctor, because your doctor may be able to help you get off the medication slowly so that you do not experience harsh side effects or a dramatic return of your symptoms. You do not have to feel ashamed about pursuing medication when it is right for you. Think of it as just another tool in your toolbox of coping skills. Deciding to take a medication doesn’t mean you have to stay on it forever, and it doesn’t mean you don’t still have to do the work of going through therapy or otherwise building your other methods of coping and obtaining support. Just understand that medication is a tool, not a panacea to resolve your problems. A medication is not going to magically make your problems go away, but it may just help you get the relief you need to keep moving forward with your life in a healthier and happier way, and there is no shame in that.
by rachelthemuse | Jul 10, 2018 | Emotional Intelligence, Relationships
When someone gives you a compliment, you have a choice about how to receive it. I will say up front that this is a problem that I have personally struggled with at times in my life, but have worked to change over time. Most of us intend to be gracious and appreciative when somebody compliments us, yet our responses do not always reflect that intent. If someone compliments you, and your first instinct is to say “no that’s not true” or something else that minimizes and downplays the recognition, you may want to reflect on whether you are being truly gracious in that situation.
When you minimize, negate, or dismiss a compliment that you have received you are probably trying to convey a sense of humility and avoid looking as though you have been trying to call attention to yourself. There is a good reason why you are trying to convey that message. Women in particular have been conditioned by society to be polite, humble, and appreciative in every situation, and not to appear to be braggadocios or self-congratulatory, at the risk of being labeled stuck-up. Men are not immune to these messages either, but they also are more likely to be conditioned to have confidence in themselves and to take credit for their accomplishments. Regardless of gender, though, when you regularly dismiss any positive things people say to or about you, you are doing yourself a disservice and you may not be conveying the messages that you truly want to send.
First, consider the position of the person who has paid you a compliment. They tried to say something nice to you, but you dismissed what they had to say because you were trying to be humble, or maybe just out of habit. Now they have to spend additional time convincing you to receive the compliment and say “thank you” before the conversation can comfortably end. Furthermore, if you continue to make self-deprecating statements you can end up coming across as actually fishing for compliments, because the other person is now in the position of having to refute all the negative things you are saying so that s/he does not come across as rude. A situation in which another person tried to say something nice has now become an exercise in contradicting your negativity. This isn’t humility, it’s insecurity.
Think also about the impression that you want to give to others. The inability to receive a compliment graciously can have the effect of making you look insecure and perhaps even incompetent. When you constantly refute positive things that others say about you, people may start to believe that you don’t want or deserve the accolades. If other people see something positive in you, don’t try to convince them otherwise! That only ends up reinforcing any negative feelings you may have about yourself in the eyes of others. It’s okay to take credit for the positive things you have accomplished, or feel good if you happen to be looking fierce that day.
Even small habits like dismissing compliments can have a negative impact on your overall sense of self-esteem and confidence. However, this also means that making a small change in your habits can be a boon to your confidence. It can be challenging to graciously receive a compliment when you have been in the habit of dismissing them. Luckily, practicing this small change is easy and simple once you’ve recognized the problem. If appropriate, you can give credit to others who may have helped you with whatever the accomplishment was that you have been recognized for. Do not say it was all somebody else’s doing, though, because that again minimizes your contribution. Above all, avoid negating what the other person has said, or arguing about whether the compliment was deserved. The best, and most gracious way to receive a compliment is simply to say “Thank you”.
by rachelthemuse | Jun 4, 2018 | Emotional Intelligence, Mental Health, Relationships
Validation is a natural human need that comes from our origins as social beings. While some species are content to live most of their lives alone, humans have always lived in groups, and thus our need for social acceptance is deeply engrained in our consciousness. Acceptance from our peer group would have been literally a matter of life and death in early human history, because a person who had to survive on their own had much less probability of survival than those who were enmeshed within a group. In light of our natural need for acceptance from other human beings, it’s easy to understand why many of us give significant weight to what other people think about us and whether they give us accolades or criticism. As non-conformist as you think you may be, you still consciously or sub-consciously act or think in ways that reflect a certain value on what others may think of you. Basic ways we conform include abiding by socially acceptable wardrobe choices, keeping appointments and schedules, showing up to work, paying for things you intend to take, and generally navigating the world without too much trouble.
It’s not a bad thing to care about what others think of you. In fact, going back to our primitive need for social acceptance, it helps our society function in many important ways. Our conformity to social norms ensures that we remain out of jail, can function in the culture we live in, and that our basic needs get met. However, having a healthy mentality also means that you do not overemphasize the importance of other people’s opinions about you. When you place too much value on what other people think about you, this can become an engrained need for external validation. External validation means that you are getting your feelings of self-worth based on sources outside of yourself. Internal validation means that you are gaining your sense of self-worth based on what your own opinions about yourself are. The problem with an over-reliance on external validation is that when other people inevitably come up with something to criticize about you, you may have a difficult time mentally getting past the critique and dismiss any positive thoughts about yourself you may have had.
Imagine that you have worked very hard on a project for work, and you have to present the information about your project to someone in a supervisory role. Upon finishing your presentation, you receive a scathing critique of your efforts, and you are told that your quality of work was poor, your efforts were sub-par and your presentation clearly lacks any demonstration of creativity or competence. Ouch. In order to process all this information, you need to have a healthy balance of respect for other’s opinions, and belief in the validity of your own efforts. Having a strong sense of internal validation does not mean that you dismiss any and all criticism you receive, but it does mean that you try to separate out the information you received, with how you feel about that information. True, you may feel embarrassed, hurt, or angry about the critique. It may have been unfair, and if it is then you have all the more reason to look to your own internal confidence in order to cope with the situation. When this happens, recognize that someone else’s opinion is just that, an opinion. You’re allowed to have opinions too, and your opinion should matter at least as much to you as external opinions. Some people really do just criticize other people in order to feel better about themselves, and these are the people who often abuse authority when they have it and are a general pain to be around.
Yet there may be times when some valid criticism is given to you, and you need to have a strong sense of internal validation in order to receive that criticism about yourself. When you value the positive qualities that you know you have, you feel buffered by a strong sense of internal confidence that isn’t going to be destroyed by one critical opinion, or even ten. That sense of confidence comes from knowing that you are talented and competent in some areas, as are all people, and that you can excel in those areas while knowing you own limitations. It doesn’t mean that you think you always have the right answers or perspective, and it doesn’t mean that you think everyone who criticizes you is wrong, or out to get you. You are able to receive a valid critique, while dismissing the parts that you know and feel confident are unfair criticisms. You recognize that other people’s opinions and expertise can help you to grow and get better at what you do.
Receiving criticism is an important skill to master when working on the right balance of internal and external validation, but there are many other times in which we navigate those feelings. These struggles show up in our relationships, for example, if you constantly seek approval from potential partners because feeling lonely makes you feels unworthy. Or, if someone make an unflattering comment to you about your appearance and you vow to change something about yourself or burn whatever clothes you were wearing to combat the shame of feeling hurt by their comments. Sometimes, your opinion is the only one that does matter. If you feel good about yourself, your work, your appearance, your talents, your future, and/or your value as a human being, there is no reason to allow other people to change your mind. One of my favorite quotes is “What other people think of me is none of my business”. The internet tells me it was Gary Oldman who gave us that gem. It’s a great little mantra to remember, though, when you find yourself stressing over what other people may or may not be thinking about you. Having a strong sense of internal validation will help you brush off unhelpful criticism and stop worrying so much about what others are thinking or saying. Another thing to remember if that if you wouldn’t say something to your best friend, then don’t say it to yourself. You do not have to co-opt the negative opinions that others may have of you.
Work on finding a balanced approach to external and internal validation, in which you can receive what you need from others in order to grown and learn, while not adhering to a need for perfection that requires that others constantly show you attention and praise so that you can feel good about yourself. Reflect on what you value about yourself, what your strengths are, and how you use those strengths to accomplish your goals. Then, keep these values and strengths in mind the next time you find yourself over-emphasizing what others think of you. Frankly, it will make your mind a much more pleasant place to be.
by rachelthemuse | May 3, 2018 | Emotional Intelligence, Mental Health, Relationships
Many of us struggle from time to time with low frustration tolerance. Perhaps you find yourself fuming at small inconveniences, or a minor infraction by your partner, peers, or children. When our lives become overly stressful, it can be difficult to keep little things from becoming major annoyances, and it can be hard to stop yourself from exploding verbally or mentally when one more thing goes wrong, even if it is just a minor thing, like a stubbed toe or being cut off in traffic. Over time though, when we do not keep our frustration tolerance in check, our moods can start to feel out of control. We can become angry and resentful in our daily lives, and snap at people we care about, contributing to the overall negativity in our environment. It’s important to recognize when low frustration tolerance has become a problem, so that you can start to build more resiliency in your life and stop allowing minor frustrations to become overwhelming.
First, ask yourself a few questions to determine if frustration tolerance has become a problem in your life:
- Do I find myself becoming disproportionately angry at minor inconveniences or mistakes?
- Do I sometime snap and yell at people I care about (or strangers) when something frustrating happens?
- Does anger and frustration seem to be impacting my overall mood in my daily life?
- Do I regret or feel ashamed about my reaction to things when I become frustrated?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, recognize that you may want to focus some attention to building more resiliency to frustration, and improve your frustration tolerance. There are several reasons why having better tolerance to frustration is an important skill. Most importantly, having better frustration tolerance will help you spend less energy on things that are not worth getting angry about. Our lives can be busy, complicated, stressful, and exhausting. Focusing your energy where it will best serve you will help you feel better on a daily basis, and more in control of your emotions. Having low frustration tolerance is just unpleasant. Your mood is affected, you may ruminate on unimportant problems, and you waste time and energy reacting to stressors that should really be brushed off. Of course this all sounds good, but how do you stop letting frustration affect your mood and relationships and keep your energy focused on what’s really important?
First, assess your priorities. Take stock of your life and identify 5 areas that are most important to you. This may include your relationships with your family and friends, your success at work, making room for quality down-time in your life, working on special projects you care about, or accomplishing goals that you have set for yourself. Recognize that these are the areas in which you want to focus the most of your energy. Everything else is secondary, and thus does not deserve to have too much of your attention and energy.
Next, identify how low frustration tolerance has negatively impacted your life. Perhaps you have said things you regret when you were frustrated, destroyed property when you were angry, or your overall mood has been soured because you get stuck in a negative mindset. Recognize how this negativity has taken up space in your life that detracts from your real priorities. Make a commitment to re-focus your energy back on your real priorities, and stop giving energy to the frustrations that drag you down.
Finally, start working on ways to reduce the power that frustration has over your life, and begin to develop the skills you need to minimize that impact. Some strategies to building better frustration tolerance include:
- Start your day off with a positive affirmation. This can be as simple as a mental note you make to remind yourself that you are going to have a good day and not let small things affect your mood. Alternatively, it could be a devotional or prayer that speaks to you and helps you center your priorities for the day. Another possibility is starting your day with uplifting music that will help you get your mood in the right place for the day.
- Build an arsenal of coping skills that you can use in the moment when a frustrating experience happens. Deep-breathing exercises, counting practices, worry dolls or a talisman, a personal mantra (“Serenity Now!”), and walking off or removing yourself from an overwhelming situation are all examples of coping skills that will help you deal with frustration in the moment and prevent the situation from taking control of you.
- Allow yourself a designated amount of time to vent or process your frustrations, and then choose to let them go. It’s fine to give a voice to or acknowledge the things that get you down or cause frustration in your life, but don’t allow this time to go on forever. If you have a friend, for example, that you talk to or vent to when you feel frustrated, allow yourself to spend no more than half of your time together ruminating or discussing frustrations, and then consciously change topics to more uplifting messages or acknowledge the positives you can identify in your life or day as well.
- Use humor or comedy to help you build resiliency to negativity and improve your mood when you find yourself stuck in negative mindset or feeling angry too often. Watch comedy programs you enjoy, listen to comedy podcasts or radio shows, read humorous materials or writers you enjoy, and talk to your funniest friends. Use inside jokes with your friends or family to lighten the mood or remind you about times that were fun or funny. It’s hard to feel frustrated and angry when you’re laughing.
- End your day with affirmations of gratitude. If you are partnered you can have a gratitude practice that you engage in right before you go to bed or at another time during the evening, when you identify at least one thing you are grateful for that day. You could also do this practice with your kids if you have them, or just do them solitary. You can write your ideas down, or just mentally take stock with intention. Finding space to recognize what you are grateful for will help you keeps those priorities centered, reducing the power that frustration has over your life.
As you incorporate these strategies into your life, you are intentionally giving more energy to positivity and priorities, and taking energy away from the frustrations and negativity that life throws at you sometimes. Keep practicing and building good habits, and you should begin to build your tolerance to frustration in a way that helps you feel more empowered over your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.
by rachelthemuse | Apr 6, 2018 | Emotional Intelligence, Friendship, Mental Health
Social media has changed our lives in so many ways, including how we communicate with our friends. There have been many positive things that have come out of the rise of social media, such as reconnecting with old friends we haven’t seen or spoken to in many years, maintaining ties with people when you’re no longer living in the same area anymore, the ability to quickly connect and communicate with new friends you meet, and even connecting and communicating with people you haven’t met yet. It’s been a great platform to share information, vocalize your views and opinions, or keep up with new happenings in the lives of people you care about. However, social media can doubtlessly be problematic too. With the rise of social media came the rise of cyber-bullying, the spread of fake news, and the virtual version of Un-friending.
In many ways, social media has complicated our friendships and other relationships. Whereas you used to only have to hear your Uncle Fox ranting about politics once a year at Thanksgiving, now he may be blowing up your newsfeed with fake news every day. Or worse, your best friend from high school hasn’t grown up much since then and is now engaging in unnecessary mudslinging and stirring up drama online, publicly hashing out her grievances and causing friction and conflict in front of everyone you’ve ever met. Sometimes it’s easy to know when to un-friend someone online, such as in instances of cyber-bullying or malicious interactions with people you don’t really know that well or care much about. However, at other times it can be more difficult, because you will still see this person in your real life at least sometimes, or because you actually value your relationship with that person and don’t want to lose them as a friend.
There are a few considerations you can use to determine if you should un-friend someone on your social media pages, and how you can continue to be friends in real life without having to lose a relationship that you value. Ask yourself a few questions first to find out if you need to restructure your contacts or rethink your online relationships.
1: Do I interact with this person in my real life on a regular basis, or is this someone that I only see sporadically when we happen to be around a mutual acquaintance?
- If you don’t have a relationship with a person in your real life, and your interaction with them is mostly online, you don’t really need them bringing negativity into your online social scene. It’s usually fine to un-friend this person without further ado and not worry about it, because you’re not really going to see them much anyways, and you both will probably benefit from less interaction with each other. If you do engage with this person in real life regularly, you may choose to use a different feature to reduce their impact on your page. On many social pages you can mute or hide the person so that you remain “friends” online, but you aren’t subjected to seeing their posts anymore. Check your platform’s settings to see how you can utilize those tools.
2: Does this person typically make my day better or worse when I see their posts on my page?
- If someone is constantly posting things that annoy, enrage, offend, or otherwise sour your mood, you most likely don’t need them on your page. See the above reference to determine what the best course of action is in this case. However, even if you don’t interact in-person with someone on a regular basis, if their posts generally make you happy because they are full of positivity, and you like keeping up with them and seeing what they’re doing, then it’s obviously fine to keep them in your feed.
3: Do I believe this person actually cares about me and/or my family, or are they someone who wouldn’t be there for me in my real life if I needed some support?
- Needless to say, if someone is making your day worse by being annoying, offensive, negative, or disrespectful, you probably don’t need them in your online life. However, if regardless of those things, you still value the relationship and believe they value it as well, then a careful approach is necessary. You still have the option to mute or hide their posts. If it doesn’t seem to be beneficial to have them on your page at all though, and you still want to preserve the friendship after removing them from your page, you can take steps to ensure the relationship isn’t damaged by the change in status.
If you want to remain friends with someone after un-friending, un-following, or blocking someone on your social media pages, then in person or phone contact is sometimes necessary afterwards. This doesn’t mean you have to bring up the subject of un-friending them, but actually seeing each other or hearing other’s voices will reassert that the friendship is still valuable and you want to remain friends. If there has been some kind of a significant conflict that played out in the social media world, particularly if it was public, then you may want to discuss the conflict and hash things out in person before writing the relationship off for good. The important thing is that you make the effort to engage with the person after un-friending so that you both can recognize that you still care about the relationship. If you are one who un-friended, it should be you that reaches out first.
There are times when this is unnecessary. First, they may not have even noticed that you un-friended them. There’s no point in making a big deal about something if you didn’t often engage in each other’s posts. They may just think you haven’t been online much lately or didn’t notice that your posts weren’t showing up in their feed. If they did notice or they bring it up, try not to make personal attacks. Make a more general point about why you made that decision. For example, if it was about politics, you can say “Listen, I just made the decision that it was healthier for me to reduce the political chatter on my feed because it was stressing me out”. Or, if it was about because there was a public spat online, you can say “Look, I value our friendship and I didn’t want to continue to hash out our problems in front of everyone online, so I’d rather us talk things through in person”.
What if you’ve been un-friended by someone else? First of all, don’t freak out or get offended. If the relationship is meaningful to both of you in real life, you can still be friends or acquaintances and you don’t have to run in the other direction or escalate a conflict. All of the above advise still applies, and sometimes the best way to repair a damaged online relationship is to make more of an effort to get together in person and/or via phone and focus on building real interactions instead of virtual ones. If it wasn’t a very meaningful relationship in the first place, then it’s no loss and everyone can go about their business feeling better about the online friends they do have. You can still see your uncle at Thanksgiving and seat yourself at the opposite end of the table like you always do. Don’t let social media ruin important relationships that you value, but keep in mind that you certainly don’t have to allow people or posts on your newsfeed to make your day worse for no identifiable reason. Now go adjust those settings!
