by rachelthemuse | Jul 31, 2018 | Cognitive Distortions, Emotional Intelligence, Mental Health, Motivation, Positivity, Self-care
This is the second post in the series I am doing about Cognitive Distortions. For more about what cognitive distortions are and how they negatively impact out life and world-view, see my first post on Coping with Cognitive Distortions: Catastrophizing.
This week I’m going to talk about another distortion called “Disqualifying the Positive”. Disqualifying the positive means we are recognizing only negative aspects of a situation while ignoring the positive. Perhaps you receive a compliment or a positive statement on an evaluation you receive at work or a paper you have turned in, but you only focus on the single negative feedback you also received on your work. When you are in the habit of disqualifying the positive, it makes it hard to recognize the good things you have done, leaving you feeling inadequate, or sometimes even worthless or incompetent. Therapists sometimes refer to this as having a case of the “Yes, but…”s.
Have you ever had a friend that was feeling down, but when you tried to cheer them up, they just refuted everything positive you had to say? Perhaps you tried to compliment someone on a new opportunity they received at work, and the response was “Yes, but they only gave it to me because they already promoted Becky and she’s not around to do it anymore”. When we constantly disqualify the positive things we have going for us in life, or only look to the negative aspects of the situation, we are really not looking at the given situation with the true lenses of reality. Not only is it inaccurate, you’re missing out on the joy you could be experiencing by allowing yourself to recognize the positive things you have going for you.
In life there are few things that are all good or all bad. Even if you’re going to take a vacation in Hawaii, there’s no way you’re getting around that long plane ride. However, if you focus only on how long and cramped and boring the plane ride will be and how much you’re not looking forward to it, you’ll arrive at your vacation grumpy and tired. Some people have a special knack for disqualifying the positive wherever they go, and in general these people aren’t the most pleasant to be around. Other people always have to spend time pointing out to them the positive aspects of the given situation until they begrudgingly accept that there may be a positive to be found somewhere in there.
The antidote to this cognitive distortion is gratitude. Looking for places to find gratitude wherever you go can be a habit that you cultivate. When we look for the positive in any situation we face, we become happier overall, and we become more resilient to negative situations or feedback when it does happen. Some people can accomplish this with starting a gratitude practice, or you can journal about things you are grateful for. They can be very simple things. Even when negative experiences happen, there is usually a lesson that can be taken from the experience, or a kernel of gratitude that can be found if you look for it. If you lose a loved one, perhaps you choose to include a reflection of the positive memories you had with that person as you journey through your grief process, or perhaps you choose to honor their memory by giving back to a charity your loved one cared about. It doesn’t make the loss go away, but it can help with the grieving process and take something negative and insert a little positivity into the situation. There is a great list of simple things to be grateful for over at Radical Transformation Project here:
50 Things to be Grateful for Right Now
For some people, particularly if you have struggled with depression or low self-esteem in your life, looking for the positive doesn’t come naturally. That’s okay because it is a habit that can be changed if you want to start thinking in a more positive and realistic way about your life and your accomplishments. You do not have to automatically disqualify everything positive that happens to you just because there are also negative things that happen. When we ruminate on the negative and give that negativity more energy than we give positivity, the negativity starts to rule our lives. Sometimes, that negative voice that sneaks up on you when something good happens may really be the voice of someone who abused or neglected you, someone who convinced you that you were not worthy of enjoying your life, or that you didn’t deserve good things and didn’t deserve to be recognized when you did something well. Many of us have to learn to combat those negative voices in our heads by consciously choosing to listen to the positive. Think about it like having that little devil on one shoulder and that little angel on then other shoulder. The little angel is trying to say something positive to you, and that little devil just whispers in your other ear “Yes, but…”
Make a decision that you are going to start recognizing the good aspects of the situations you find yourself in, and stop disqualifying the positive. As with any problem, the first step is recognizing that the problem exists and making a commitment to want to change it. When you start to hear “Yes, but…” creeping into your vocabulary, that’s when you know it’s time to brush the little devil off your shoulder and listen to what your little angel has to say to you. It’s okay to be proud of yourself, it’s okay to be imperfect, and it’s okay to take the good along with the bad in any given situation. This doesn’t mean that we put on rose colored glasses and ignore negative situations that need to be attended to or dealt with. It just means that we don’t disqualify the positive at the same time, thereby robbing ourselves of the ability to see both the good and the bad in a situation.
Battling cognitive distortions is not about disqualifying the negative or never making a plan to deal with a bad situation. It just means that we are looking at the full picture with attention to what the reality of the situation is, so that we don’t over-emphasize negativity when it’s not warranted.
by rachelthemuse | Jul 23, 2018 | Cognitive Distortions, Emotional Intelligence, Mental Health, Self-care
This post is going to be the first in a series of posts that I will be doing about Cognitive Distortions. Cognitive distortions are basically little mind games we engage in, or tricks that we play on ourselves that distort how we think about the situations we are in or how we interpret events that happen to us. They can be self-limiting and cause us distress because we are using our emotions to create a narrative that may not be truly accurate. We all fall victim to these cognitive distortions from time to time, but as individuals we may engage in one or more cognitive distortions regularly, so it can be helpful to recognize when we have an ingrained pattern of thinking that is distorted and needs to be changed in order to increase our mental wellness and have a healthy mentality. Today I’m going to talk about a very common cognitive distortion that I have found many of my clients identify with when we talk about these mental tricks we play on ourselves: Catastrophizing.
Catastrophizing basically happens when we take a situation and either make it have more significance than it really deserves (turn it into a catastrophe when it doesn’t have to be) or we predict that a catastrophe is going to occur before we really know the outcome of a situation. Basically this means that you are always expecting the worst case scenarios, and you may take ordinary problems and interpret them in ways that become overwhelming and seem insurmountable.
We often cannot see the positive in a given situation when we are in the midst of a crisis. Yet given time, many situations that we stress and worry about will resolve themselves with time, or you can solve the problem with a little effort. To give you an example, I will discuss a common situation that I ran into with clients: those who were being separated from the military. Being separated from the military can be extremely stressful because it entails a huge shift in your lifestyle. You go from having the military basically be in charge of all major decisions in your life (where you live, for how long, what job you have, where you get benefits for your family from) to being out on your own and in need of a job that provides some of the stability and security that the military provided while you were active duty. In the best of circumstances you have a chance to plan ahead and move forward with those plans when your separation date approaches. However, not everyone gets a lot of advance notice. Sometimes people get separated because of an injury or disability, sometimes people don’t get higher tenure and have to separate, some people don’t make the fitness requirements and have to separate, or they get into trouble because of behavioral problems and face involuntary separation. Regardless of the reason they have to separate they are losing their job. Anyone can understand how stressful and difficult it must feel to know that you are about to lose your job, income, and benefits.
However, just as with everything else in life, we can choose how to interpret and cope with this information. You can argue that being involuntarily separated from the military is, indeed, a catastrophe. That is how many of my clients interpreted their situation when they realized that separation was a possibility. However, once we dug a little deeper into their options, the situation was not always so catastrophic. In fact, we often discovered that separating from the military could end up being a positive change that propelled their lives forward in ways that helped them pursue their higher goals. They realized that they would finally have time to go back to school to pursue other career goals, or they realized that they would no longer have to deal with stress of deployments, the separation from their family, or the grueling schedules they had been keeping. Once we were able to process through their options and find the best path for them to move forward, separation didn’t have to be such a catastrophe. Certainly the adjustment would still be stressful, but it didn’t mean that their lives or their careers were over with. Re-framing the situation to look for opportunities instead of looking only at the catastrophic event of involuntary separation helped them to put their energy into making plans for their future instead of ruminating on the looming changes in a negative way and thinking about all the things they would not have access to anymore. The situation hadn’t changed at all, but the way we were looking at it had.
This is a powerful shift that anyone can do. If you find that you often interpret events that happen as a total catastrophe that you have no control over and can only result in terrible things, or presume that the worst possible outcome will indeed occur, think about how much distress this way of thinking is causing you. Look for your choices. We always have choices, even when we feel that we don’t. The reason this is true is because even in the worst situations, where there appear to be no choices, we always have a choice about our mentality. Sometimes our mind is the only thing we CAN control, and so that’s why it’s so important to make sure your mentality is healthy. Few people get through life without some major hurdles, so we all will come face to face with difficult circumstances or unexpected setbacks. However, choosing to look at a situation and decide that it is a catastrophe will only increase your suffering, and doesn’t help you resolve the issue. Recognizing this pattern and learning to look for your choices will help you to stop turning ordinary problems into overwhelming disasters. Cognitive distortions don’t do us any favors. They may be common, but they don’t have to rule over our emotions if we don’t let them. Ask yourself what difference this situation might make to you in a year, or 5 years. Chances are, many situations are going to be resolved and you will have moved past them by that time, or you may have to make some adjustments in your life. Of course there may be times when an actual catastrophe happens, but that just means you need to reserve your energy and focus to deal with the major problems that you WILL have to deal with, and stop letting ordinary situations (like your boss criticizing your work performance) have undue influence over your mood and happiness.
by rachelthemuse | Jul 16, 2018 | Emotional Intelligence, Medication Management, Mental Health
Note: Always consult with your doctor when making decisions about your options for medication and the severity of your symptoms.
People experience mental health symptoms on a scale, which is to say that the severity of their symptoms vary widely amongst individuals. For example, most people have a bandwidth of happiness in which they exist regardless of their circumstances. Think about happiness as being a scale from 1-10, in which 10 is the most happy, joyful, and blissful mood you can experience, and 1 is being so depressed that you are suicidal. Some people never get to that feeling of 1. Even when things are really bad, such as experiencing the pain of grief, or significant financial hardships, or experiencing a severe trauma or assault, they still never get to the point at which they are suicidal. Maybe that person stays within a bandwidth of 5-9, so that when things are really, really, bad, they would rate their happiness around a level 5, and when things are going really, really well, they get pretty close to that 10 on the happiness scale. There are other people, though, who never ever get to that feeling of 10. They tend more towards depression, and when things are really, really going well, they experience their happiness around perhaps a 7, but when they are really struggling with things going on in their life, or something pretty bad happens, they can become suicidal and really struggle to cope with their circumstances.
All this means is that some individuals may need more interventions depending on where they fall on an overall bandwidth of their symptoms. The same analogy above can be considered when you are thinking about symptoms of anxiety as well. Some people tend to have more of an anxious nature, while others may be very laid back in how they handle life’s curveballs, and many of us land somewhere in between. You can use this analogy to help you determine how severe your symptoms are and whether or not your symptoms are likely to improve with non-medical interventions such as traditional talk therapy, utilizing your coping skills, and reaching out for support from family and friends, or whether you need to seek out medical interventions.
I have found in my clinical practice that many people do not want to take medication for depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, or other diagnoses or symptoms. This is understandable, because no one wants to feel like they have to have a crutch to help them cope with life. However, there is no shame in using a medical intervention when needed to help you better manage your mental health. We use medication all the time to address our physical health needs. Just as we preserve our physical health by using non-medical interventions such as diet, exercise, and lifestyle changes when necessary, we can use our coping skills, support systems, and lifestyle changes to preserve and promote our mental health. However, just as we sometimes need an antibiotic or another medication to manage a temporary or chronic physical condition, we may need to use a mental health medication to manage a temporary or chronic mental health condition.
If you are wondering whether medication is right for your mental health, consider the following in order to help you make a decision about whether a temporary or long-term mental health medication is something you should discuss with a therapist or doctor.
- You have been diagnosed with a mental health condition that includes symptoms of psychosis or other features that necessitate medication management.
- If you have a mental health diagnosis that includes symptoms such as hearing voices, dissociative states, or severe mood swings, medication may be something that needs to be included in your long-term treatment plan. While some diagnoses may be temporary in nature, other conditions such as schizophrenia, dissociative identity disorder, or bipolar disorder require long term treatment and medication is frequently a part of the treatment recommendations. Understandably, there are many people who resist being on medication long term. People with these conditions often do benefit from their medication protocols, but they can be susceptible to lapses in medication compliance because they begin to feel better and mistakenly believe that they no longer need the medication. This can result in a harmful cycle of symptom escalation, which could be avoided with regular compliance with their medication protocols. If you have a more severe clinical diagnosis, it is important to recognize that medication can be an important part of maintaining a good quality of life, with your symptoms being closely monitored by your treatment team and your medications managed by a doctor you trust.
- Your symptoms have been ongoing for a month or longer.
- We all experience temporary struggles in life that can affect our mood and can increase symptoms of depression or anxiety. However, sometimes those feelings become overwhelming and our regular coping skills aren’t cutting it when it comes to managing our mental health. For example, you may experience a significant loss in your life and grief becomes overwhelming. Or, you might be going through an extremely stressful life change, and your anxiety starts to escalate to the point at which you begin to experience panic attacks. While some stress, depression, or anxiety is normal when you experience these major life changes, if you are experiencing significant distress for a month or longer, please consider consulting your doctor or a psychiatrist to help you learn what medical options may help you experience some relief.
- You have begun to experience physical manifestations of your mental health symptoms.
- When your body starts to show physical signs of your mental health stress, it is probably time to consult with a doctor about your symptoms. For example, some anxiety under periods of stress is normal, but when you start to experience panic attacks, tightness in your chest, or hyperventilation, you have crossed a threshold at which medication management may be another tool that you can benefit from to get relief from the distress. This applies to depression, too. Many people experience bouts of depression during difficult times in their lives, but when your depression is causing extreme fatigue, disrupted sleep, changes in weight, body aches and pains, or other physical manifestations, you may benefit from trying an anti-depressant under the supervision of a qualified doctor.
- You have tried utilizing your coping skills and support system but your symptoms have not improved.
- I am a big advocate of utilizing non-medical interventions for mental health treatment and building the right skills to help manage symptoms on your own. However, this doesn’t mean that medication can’t be an appropriate tool to use when your other skills are not helping you to feel better. We all need to develop and use our own coping skills and reach out to our positive support systems when we are distressed. Yet if you have tried these interventions and you are still suffering, there is no shame in seeking out more help when needed. This doesn’t mean you have to be on medication forever, but medication can help your brain chemistry a little bit, and help you get back to feeling normal (whatever that is for you) again.
- You have had thoughts of wanting to harm yourself or other people, or you have engaged in self-harm behaviors such as cutting to relieve or manage your symptoms.
- Self-harm behaviors or suicidal ideations are significant indicators that you may need some help with medication management. No one deserves to feel like they need to harm themselves to experience relief from anxiety or depression, and no one deserves to feel like their life is not valuable enough to fight for. If you have engaged in self-harm behaviors (including disordered eating behaviors like restriction, binging, and purging) or you have thoughts of wanting to harm yourself, you need to talk to a professional about getting your symptoms under control so that you can stop harming yourself and start working towards recovery. Your life and your mental health are worth fighting for and you should not feel ashamed about seeking medical help. If you have significant anger issues that result in you having thoughts of wanting to act out in violence or harm others, you also may need to seek medication in addition to traditional therapy in order to prevent an escalation of these impulses.
- You are engaging in other forms of self-medication such as overuse of alcohol, marijuana or other substances to get relief from your symptoms.
- If you find that you are using alcohol or other substances on a regular basis to experience relief from symptoms of depression or anxiety, your efforts may backfire on you. Alcohol is a depressant, and thus it may temporarily make you feel more relaxed or less anxious, but it can ultimately exacerbate your symptoms. Alcohol also interferes with your sleep, and the lack of quality sleep can also exacerbate your symptoms (hint: passing out is NOT quality sleep!).
- Substance use functions as a form of escapism for many people, but your problems are still there when you wake up in the morning. If you really want to get a handle on symptoms of depression, anxiety, or other mental health conditions, think about your use of substances and whether it is really helping you improve your life, or if it is just serving as a form of self-medication or causing you to avoid seeking professional help.
- Alcohol and other substances can interfere with many medications. If you have consulted with your doctor and decided that medication is right for you, be sure to let your doctor know about your drinking or other habits so that they can ensure you are informed about potential interactions or side effects when taking your medication.
So, what if you have been on medication for mental health symptoms, but now you are feeling better and you don’t want to be on medication any longer? First, recognize that if you are feeling better- this means the medication is working as intended. Some people want to get off medication as soon as they start to feel better, but understand that you may need to stay on the medication for a while longer, especially if you are getting good results. Sometimes people stay on an anxiety medication or an anti-depressant for a year or longer. However, if you have done the work of developing stronger coping skills, or you have had success with traditional therapy and feel as though you are ready to wean off of a medication that you have been utilizing to address your symptoms, you can seek guidance from your providers about your options for the next steps. A good provider will be honest and frank with you about your progress and the risks and benefits of changing your medication protocol. However, if you have decided to go off of your medication, make sure that you do so under the guidance of your doctor. Many medications build up in your body in order to reach a therapeutic level (the dosage at which they are most effective). It is very important not to wean yourself off of a medication without consulting your doctor, because your doctor may be able to help you get off the medication slowly so that you do not experience harsh side effects or a dramatic return of your symptoms. You do not have to feel ashamed about pursuing medication when it is right for you. Think of it as just another tool in your toolbox of coping skills. Deciding to take a medication doesn’t mean you have to stay on it forever, and it doesn’t mean you don’t still have to do the work of going through therapy or otherwise building your other methods of coping and obtaining support. Just understand that medication is a tool, not a panacea to resolve your problems. A medication is not going to magically make your problems go away, but it may just help you get the relief you need to keep moving forward with your life in a healthier and happier way, and there is no shame in that.
by rachelthemuse | Jun 12, 2018 | Mental Health
In June, news broke of the suicides of both luxury handbag designer Kate Spade and international food celebrity Anthony Bourdain. Whenever high-profile celebrities complete suicide, we are reminded that depression and mental health conditions touch every class of people and inevitably look for explanations of why anyone, even wealthy, successful people, would take their own lives. The truth is that suicide rates have been increasing dramatically over the past two decades. The trends are startling. Suicide rates have increased among every single age group from 10 to 74 since 1999. Rates are up 25% overall across the country. Approximately 300-400 physicians complete suicide every single year. In fact, physicians are more at risk for suicide than the general population of both males and females. Over 20 Veterans complete suicide every single day. Keep digging, and the facts don’t get any better. 2/3rds of firearms related deaths in this country are due to suicide. Over half of people who complete suicide had no known mental health problems. 1 million Americans lose their doctor to suicide each year.
Why are we seeing this dramatic increase in suicide rates? The problems are deep and resonating throughout our culture. Isolation and hopelessness are leading emotional triggers for suicidal ideation and attempts. We tend to blame suicidal ideation and behaviors on mental health problems, but the conditions that contribute to suicidal ideation go far beyond what is going on in people’s minds. Emotional circumstances such as grief and loss are certainly a factor, but so are economic circumstances (homelessness and dire financial pressures), relationship circumstances (isolation and rejection both romantically and socially), and employment circumstances (overwhelming stress, abusive management, lack of basic respect, micro-aggressions and discrimination or harassment in the workplace). Once again, when it comes to suicide, we want to simplistically blame mental health problems and offer medications or treatment to individuals without ever addressing the root causes of the distress in the first place. To be clear, of course people who have suicidal ideations need treatment and professional care. However, as with all problems if you continue to live with the circumstances that are the cause of your distress, the relief you experience from individualized treatment is limited. The alarming statistics with regards to suicide rates are indicative of our broader cultural problems, and we likely will not see remittance in these rates until we truly de-stigmatize mental health treatment, provide increased access without fear of retribution or loss of reputation (a primary concern for impaired professionals), and start to shift our culture of individualistic solutions to systemic cultural problems.
I have worked with countless individuals who are either actively suicidal or have been in the past. In my clinical observations, most people who verbalize suicidal ideation do not really want to die. They want their lives to get better and they feel so hopeless that their circumstances will change that they come to the conclusion they would rather die than to continue to live their lives under the current conditions. This is not to say that there aren’t people who do truly want to die. Getting at the truth of whether someone really wants to die is a critical component of suicide intervention. When you can help someone recognize that there is hope for their life to get better, they may become more receptive to getting the help they need to prevent suicidal behaviors. When someone really and truly desires to die, they may actually avoid seeking help altogether because they do not want the intervention that comes from admitting that truth.
We often call people selfish who complete suicide because of the pain it causes to their friends and family left behind. For some though, the decision to complete suicide comes after a period of intense contemplation, during which time perhaps the only thing keeping them alive is the desire NOT to hurt their loved ones or cause them more pain. In reality, some people who complete suicide believe that they are a burden to their loved ones. They may not want to place a further burden on their friends and family by asking for help. This is why it is often so hard for people who really want help to come forward, and why we sometimes hear that someone has completed suicide with almost no signs of distress to their friends and family, as was the case with Bourdain from initial reports.
Perhaps in light of the alarming trends we are seeing there will be some increased funding and decreased stigma towards mental health treatment. That would be an excellent start. The military is a useful example of how these issues play out in reality though, and I am speaking as someone with a background in clinical counseling with military service members and their families.. Certainly, in the military there has been increased attention to suicide prevention and response, yet actually dedicating the appropriate resources remains a problem. There may be flyers posted everywhere and mandatory in-services and dozens of pages of written protocols and programs. When it comes to changing the culture of All-Results-All-The-Time-No-Excuses that causes soldiers and sailors to lose hope though, there is no light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. It’s akin to treating the symptoms of a disease but never addressing the root cause.
We can continue to press for more treatment resources, and more public awareness so that we can foster a compassionate culture that responds to the needs of those contemplating suicide. However, we must do more than that to foster a culture that allows vulnerability to exist and does not punish people who seek help. We must seek to change the circumstances that are causing undue distress. It is not reasonable to expect the intense and rigorous standards required by medical schools to result in people feeling so overwhelmed that they choose to die. It is not reasonable to expect our military service men and women to behave as though they are robots with no feelings or needs of their own just because they signed a contract to serve their country. When the needs of individuals cease to have any value to the systems that they work for, we cannot then blame the individuals for turning out to be human, with human limitations and human needs. Neither can we expect people who are suffering from severe clinical depression to be able to battle the stigma of seeking help by themselves. We all owe it to each other to listen with compassion when we know someone who is struggling, and advocate in any ways we can towards changing the outcomes of this growing problem. More than just connecting someone to professional help, which should be done as soon as possible, we need to listen to people in order to discover the root causes of their hopelessness and fix these broader problems as well if we want to truly make a dent in this tragic epidemic.
For more information and resources on suicide, visit the National Institute of Mental Health here:
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/suicide-prevention/index.shtml
by rachelthemuse | Jun 4, 2018 | Emotional Intelligence, Mental Health, Relationships
Validation is a natural human need that comes from our origins as social beings. While some species are content to live most of their lives alone, humans have always lived in groups, and thus our need for social acceptance is deeply engrained in our consciousness. Acceptance from our peer group would have been literally a matter of life and death in early human history, because a person who had to survive on their own had much less probability of survival than those who were enmeshed within a group. In light of our natural need for acceptance from other human beings, it’s easy to understand why many of us give significant weight to what other people think about us and whether they give us accolades or criticism. As non-conformist as you think you may be, you still consciously or sub-consciously act or think in ways that reflect a certain value on what others may think of you. Basic ways we conform include abiding by socially acceptable wardrobe choices, keeping appointments and schedules, showing up to work, paying for things you intend to take, and generally navigating the world without too much trouble.
It’s not a bad thing to care about what others think of you. In fact, going back to our primitive need for social acceptance, it helps our society function in many important ways. Our conformity to social norms ensures that we remain out of jail, can function in the culture we live in, and that our basic needs get met. However, having a healthy mentality also means that you do not overemphasize the importance of other people’s opinions about you. When you place too much value on what other people think about you, this can become an engrained need for external validation. External validation means that you are getting your feelings of self-worth based on sources outside of yourself. Internal validation means that you are gaining your sense of self-worth based on what your own opinions about yourself are. The problem with an over-reliance on external validation is that when other people inevitably come up with something to criticize about you, you may have a difficult time mentally getting past the critique and dismiss any positive thoughts about yourself you may have had.
Imagine that you have worked very hard on a project for work, and you have to present the information about your project to someone in a supervisory role. Upon finishing your presentation, you receive a scathing critique of your efforts, and you are told that your quality of work was poor, your efforts were sub-par and your presentation clearly lacks any demonstration of creativity or competence. Ouch. In order to process all this information, you need to have a healthy balance of respect for other’s opinions, and belief in the validity of your own efforts. Having a strong sense of internal validation does not mean that you dismiss any and all criticism you receive, but it does mean that you try to separate out the information you received, with how you feel about that information. True, you may feel embarrassed, hurt, or angry about the critique. It may have been unfair, and if it is then you have all the more reason to look to your own internal confidence in order to cope with the situation. When this happens, recognize that someone else’s opinion is just that, an opinion. You’re allowed to have opinions too, and your opinion should matter at least as much to you as external opinions. Some people really do just criticize other people in order to feel better about themselves, and these are the people who often abuse authority when they have it and are a general pain to be around.
Yet there may be times when some valid criticism is given to you, and you need to have a strong sense of internal validation in order to receive that criticism about yourself. When you value the positive qualities that you know you have, you feel buffered by a strong sense of internal confidence that isn’t going to be destroyed by one critical opinion, or even ten. That sense of confidence comes from knowing that you are talented and competent in some areas, as are all people, and that you can excel in those areas while knowing you own limitations. It doesn’t mean that you think you always have the right answers or perspective, and it doesn’t mean that you think everyone who criticizes you is wrong, or out to get you. You are able to receive a valid critique, while dismissing the parts that you know and feel confident are unfair criticisms. You recognize that other people’s opinions and expertise can help you to grow and get better at what you do.
Receiving criticism is an important skill to master when working on the right balance of internal and external validation, but there are many other times in which we navigate those feelings. These struggles show up in our relationships, for example, if you constantly seek approval from potential partners because feeling lonely makes you feels unworthy. Or, if someone make an unflattering comment to you about your appearance and you vow to change something about yourself or burn whatever clothes you were wearing to combat the shame of feeling hurt by their comments. Sometimes, your opinion is the only one that does matter. If you feel good about yourself, your work, your appearance, your talents, your future, and/or your value as a human being, there is no reason to allow other people to change your mind. One of my favorite quotes is “What other people think of me is none of my business”. The internet tells me it was Gary Oldman who gave us that gem. It’s a great little mantra to remember, though, when you find yourself stressing over what other people may or may not be thinking about you. Having a strong sense of internal validation will help you brush off unhelpful criticism and stop worrying so much about what others are thinking or saying. Another thing to remember if that if you wouldn’t say something to your best friend, then don’t say it to yourself. You do not have to co-opt the negative opinions that others may have of you.
Work on finding a balanced approach to external and internal validation, in which you can receive what you need from others in order to grown and learn, while not adhering to a need for perfection that requires that others constantly show you attention and praise so that you can feel good about yourself. Reflect on what you value about yourself, what your strengths are, and how you use those strengths to accomplish your goals. Then, keep these values and strengths in mind the next time you find yourself over-emphasizing what others think of you. Frankly, it will make your mind a much more pleasant place to be.
by rachelthemuse | May 3, 2018 | Emotional Intelligence, Mental Health, Relationships
Many of us struggle from time to time with low frustration tolerance. Perhaps you find yourself fuming at small inconveniences, or a minor infraction by your partner, peers, or children. When our lives become overly stressful, it can be difficult to keep little things from becoming major annoyances, and it can be hard to stop yourself from exploding verbally or mentally when one more thing goes wrong, even if it is just a minor thing, like a stubbed toe or being cut off in traffic. Over time though, when we do not keep our frustration tolerance in check, our moods can start to feel out of control. We can become angry and resentful in our daily lives, and snap at people we care about, contributing to the overall negativity in our environment. It’s important to recognize when low frustration tolerance has become a problem, so that you can start to build more resiliency in your life and stop allowing minor frustrations to become overwhelming.
First, ask yourself a few questions to determine if frustration tolerance has become a problem in your life:
- Do I find myself becoming disproportionately angry at minor inconveniences or mistakes?
- Do I sometime snap and yell at people I care about (or strangers) when something frustrating happens?
- Does anger and frustration seem to be impacting my overall mood in my daily life?
- Do I regret or feel ashamed about my reaction to things when I become frustrated?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, recognize that you may want to focus some attention to building more resiliency to frustration, and improve your frustration tolerance. There are several reasons why having better tolerance to frustration is an important skill. Most importantly, having better frustration tolerance will help you spend less energy on things that are not worth getting angry about. Our lives can be busy, complicated, stressful, and exhausting. Focusing your energy where it will best serve you will help you feel better on a daily basis, and more in control of your emotions. Having low frustration tolerance is just unpleasant. Your mood is affected, you may ruminate on unimportant problems, and you waste time and energy reacting to stressors that should really be brushed off. Of course this all sounds good, but how do you stop letting frustration affect your mood and relationships and keep your energy focused on what’s really important?
First, assess your priorities. Take stock of your life and identify 5 areas that are most important to you. This may include your relationships with your family and friends, your success at work, making room for quality down-time in your life, working on special projects you care about, or accomplishing goals that you have set for yourself. Recognize that these are the areas in which you want to focus the most of your energy. Everything else is secondary, and thus does not deserve to have too much of your attention and energy.
Next, identify how low frustration tolerance has negatively impacted your life. Perhaps you have said things you regret when you were frustrated, destroyed property when you were angry, or your overall mood has been soured because you get stuck in a negative mindset. Recognize how this negativity has taken up space in your life that detracts from your real priorities. Make a commitment to re-focus your energy back on your real priorities, and stop giving energy to the frustrations that drag you down.
Finally, start working on ways to reduce the power that frustration has over your life, and begin to develop the skills you need to minimize that impact. Some strategies to building better frustration tolerance include:
- Start your day off with a positive affirmation. This can be as simple as a mental note you make to remind yourself that you are going to have a good day and not let small things affect your mood. Alternatively, it could be a devotional or prayer that speaks to you and helps you center your priorities for the day. Another possibility is starting your day with uplifting music that will help you get your mood in the right place for the day.
- Build an arsenal of coping skills that you can use in the moment when a frustrating experience happens. Deep-breathing exercises, counting practices, worry dolls or a talisman, a personal mantra (“Serenity Now!”), and walking off or removing yourself from an overwhelming situation are all examples of coping skills that will help you deal with frustration in the moment and prevent the situation from taking control of you.
- Allow yourself a designated amount of time to vent or process your frustrations, and then choose to let them go. It’s fine to give a voice to or acknowledge the things that get you down or cause frustration in your life, but don’t allow this time to go on forever. If you have a friend, for example, that you talk to or vent to when you feel frustrated, allow yourself to spend no more than half of your time together ruminating or discussing frustrations, and then consciously change topics to more uplifting messages or acknowledge the positives you can identify in your life or day as well.
- Use humor or comedy to help you build resiliency to negativity and improve your mood when you find yourself stuck in negative mindset or feeling angry too often. Watch comedy programs you enjoy, listen to comedy podcasts or radio shows, read humorous materials or writers you enjoy, and talk to your funniest friends. Use inside jokes with your friends or family to lighten the mood or remind you about times that were fun or funny. It’s hard to feel frustrated and angry when you’re laughing.
- End your day with affirmations of gratitude. If you are partnered you can have a gratitude practice that you engage in right before you go to bed or at another time during the evening, when you identify at least one thing you are grateful for that day. You could also do this practice with your kids if you have them, or just do them solitary. You can write your ideas down, or just mentally take stock with intention. Finding space to recognize what you are grateful for will help you keeps those priorities centered, reducing the power that frustration has over your life.
As you incorporate these strategies into your life, you are intentionally giving more energy to positivity and priorities, and taking energy away from the frustrations and negativity that life throws at you sometimes. Keep practicing and building good habits, and you should begin to build your tolerance to frustration in a way that helps you feel more empowered over your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.
