Relationship Series: When Opposites Attract- How to Manage Personality Differences

Relationship Series: When Opposites Attract- How to Manage Personality Differences

by | Feb 22, 2019 | Couples, Emotional Intelligence, Relationships

Personality differences can complicate relationships. You may start out feeling like opposites attract and really fall in love with some of the things that are different about your partner. Over time though, personality differences can impact your relationship and cause conflict, especially when there is a lack of understanding about your different needs and how you think about the world around you.

Does Personality Matter in Relationships?

Sometimes. The research on the topic is complicated. Studies have found that people tend to pursue relationships with people that are similar to them in some areas such as age, religion, education, and political orientation.  However, when it comes to fixed personality traits, some traits are more predictive of relationship satisfaction than others.

Some couples have different personalities but similar interests, so they find lots of ways to have fun together and bond as a couple. Other couples really don’t share a lot of interests, but they love each other and so the other strengths they have in their relationship help them to establish and maintain emotional intimacy.

How To Manage Personality Differences in Relationships

Couples may differ in their traits of introversion vs extroversion, their style of thinking, their openness to new experiences, their empathic tendencies, and other traits.  Here is how some of these differences manifest in relationships and how couples can manage these differences as they build their partnership.

  1. Introversion vs. Extroversion

These traits exist on a scale, so some people will be highly extroverted and some people may be very introverted, and many people fall somewhere in between.  When you are a couple in a relationship where you’re very far apart on this scale, you will need to understand that you have different needs and work together to make sure both of you are getting your needs met for social connections and personal time.

This means understanding that sometimes your partner might need more time spent out with their friends because they thrive on the energy they get from social relationships. The other partner may need time spent alone to recharge and renew their energy, because too much time around a lot of people drains them of their energy. As a couple, you need to find a balance and understand that your partner isn’t rejecting you if they need either of these things. Making sure you dedicate couple time together will help both partner feel more connected to each other.

  1. Engineers vs. Artists (Left or Right Brain Thinking Style)

This has to do with thinking style. People who think like an engineer are very logical, solutions-oriented, and not always very emotionally perceptive.  People who think like an artist are not rigid, they focus on beauty as much as function, and they like to use creativity to solve problems or come up with new solutions. This traits are both valuable in different situations, so partner who differ in these traits need to find ways to utilize the strengths of both people.  This might come down to who does what things better, and learning to allow the strengths of each person to shine in different areas.  This may mean one person always does the taxes, and the other person decorates the home or plans time spent together in ways that express their creativity. These couples can thrive together if they learn how to use each person’s strengths to make them stronger as a couple.

  1. Adventurers vs. Homebodies

This has to do with people’s individual comfort level with new experiences.  Some people love new adventures and crave the thrill they get from trying something new.  This doesn’t have to mean they’re out cliff-hanging every weekend, but they are more likely to want to try new things, go new places, and experience things that excite the. Other people love the safety and comfort of their routine, their home, and their normal activities.  This doesn’t make them boring, it just means they know what they like and they prefer to stick to what they know.

When these two different personalities get together in a relationship, it’s not uncommon to have some conflict over what to do and when.  This is where compromise is a key strength to develop. The more adventurous of the couple will need to respect their partner’s discomfort with certain activities, and recognize that they may have to plan some activities with other people who share similar interests.  The homebody folks also need to recognize that stepping out of their comfort zone can be a great way to bond, but it’s okay to set limits when needed and know how to communicate those limits.

  1. Empaths vs. Psychopaths

Okay so getting involved with a psychopath is not recommended. But seriously, empathy exists on a scale too. Some people are very empathic, meaning they are highly perceptive of other’s feelings and are emotionally affected by the people they meet and the situations they experience and witness.  Psychopaths are the opposite end of the spectrum, with no empathy for others and an inability to understand or care about other people’s feelings. As with introversion and extroversion, though, there are many people who fall somewhere in between, and that doesn’t make them bad people. Many people empathize and care about other people, but it doesn’t affect them or their mood as much as it does with very empathic people.

In a relationship, empaths may be sensitive to their partner’s needs and moods, but someone less empathic may have a hard time understanding why their very empathic partner always gets so upset or affected by things. They may be less likely to perceive when or why their partner is upset, which makes conflict resolution hard sometimes. In this situation, empaths need to understand that a difference in sensitivity doesn’t mean your partner doesn’t care about you, they just might need more direct communication to understand how you’re feeling. The people who are partner with a very empathic person need to understand that their partner’s personality makes them more sensitive, and they don’t need to grow a thicker skin or be different. Empaths feel things deeply, so talking to them and validating their expression of feelings is a key way to connect with them.

  1. Organizers vs. Free Rangers

Similar to engineers and artists, organizers and free thinkers both have strengths, but they thrive on different things. The highly organized person needs structure and tidiness to feel in control and able to handle all of life’s craziness. When the home or their personal space is in disarray, they feel out of control and this causes anxiety. Free-rangers are people who feel overwhelmed with the prospect of having to keep everything looking perfect all the time. These are people who know exactly where to find something, but it might be in a place that doesn’t make sense to an organized person. They don’t necessarily prefer symmetry, and they don’t feel bothered when everything is not in it’s perfect place. This doesn’t mean they have to be messy or cluttered, they just have a different tolerance for disarray that might cause a highly organized person to feel anxious.

These people can be in a relationship together, but there needs to be some understanding about this personality difference. If you are a highly organized person who needs the structure and stability that good organization provides, but your partner is not similarly oriented, you may need to accept that you will be doing more of the organizational  tasks, because it matters more to you. Likewise, if you are a free-ranger, you need to understand the anxiety that disarray can cause in your partner, and be prepared to respect your mutual space by participating in keeping things maintained. It’s always a good idea as well, to both have even a small space of your own that can organized, or not, according to personal preferences.

Why It Is Important To Understand Personality Differences in Relationships

Personality differences do not have to mean constant conflict and struggles.  It is worthwhile, however, to talk about the personality differences you do have, and what they mean to how you function as a couple. Understanding each other’s needs and respecting the personality traits that you each have can help you as couple learn how to use your strengths to build a great partnership.

Compromise and understanding are part of all healthy relationships, but you can’t change your personality. Of course people grow and change over time, but there are some personality traits and preferences, like the ones listed above, that remain pretty constant over a lifetime. Couples can absolutely function and thrive with these personality differences, but it does take some communication and respect for those differences.

If you have identified some of the traits about where you think that there are some significant personality difference that impact your relationship, talk about these differences with your partner! Think about how your personality impacts what you need from your partner and where there are some areas for compromise. Talk about how the different personality traits can be a strength at different times and who is better at what when it comes to shared responsibilities.

When you understand your partner’s personality and how it affects their needs, you will be able to be a better partner as well. Communication and respect for your differences will help you use those personality traits to your advantage and build a stronger partnership along the way.

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For more information about relationships and building a strong partnership, check out my author page for a link to my book for couples “Work It Out: A Survival Guide to the Modern Relationship”  and if you want more resources for building a healthy relationship, subscribe here and I’ll send you the free Couples Communication Toolkit that I designed to get you on the right track with your relationship communication.

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For more posts in this series, please see:

Relationship Series: Shared Values

Relationship Series: Emotional Intimacy

Relationship Series: Personal Confidence and Your Partnership

Relationship Series: Couples’ Communication

Relationship Series: How to Stop Past Pain from Damaging Your Relationship

Relationship Series: Sexual Compatibility and Your Partnership

Are you an Empath?

Are you an Empath?

by | Oct 12, 2018 | Emotional Intelligence, Friendship, Mental Health, Motivation, Positivity, Relationships, Self-care

Human beings vary in their degree of sensitivity, by which I mean that there are some people who are highly sensitive and who feel emotions very intensely, whereas there are others who display little sensitivity towards others and who also do not seem to be as affected by their environment or the people around them.  Empaths are people who are empathetic and sympathetic towards others, and also experience the world as a highly sensitive person.

From Sociopaths to Empaths

There appears to be about 3-5 percent of the human population that fall under the category of sociopathic, which does not mean that they are all murderers, but does mean that they operate their lives in a way by which their primary concern is always about themselves, and they do not have the ability to see things from the perspective of others. They may feel very little true guilt or shame about doing harmful things to others. Another 1 percent is considered psychopathic, with higher percentages of both sociopaths and psychopaths found among criminal populations.

There is another end of the spectrum though, who are rather the opposite of the sociopaths, psychopaths, and narcissists, which is those who are highly sensitive individuals, sometimes referred to as Empaths.  Interestingly, highly sensitive people comprise about 20% of the population.  Empaths are a kind of highly sensitive person that extends their ability to experience the feelings deeply of others as well as themselves. Empaths are people who identify with and feel intense empathy towards others. This does not mean that they are inherently fragile or overly-emotional.  It means that they feel things deeply, think about things deeply, and take on the emotions and experiences of others as their own.

Who Are the Empaths?

Being highly sensitive is a temperament trait, not a disorder or a problem that needs to be solved. In fact, it is a trait that likely has some benefit as a survival trait, because high sensitivity exists in over 100 different species of animals as well.  For example, certain dogs may be more sensitive and empathetic, which makes them amazing companion animals and also great therapy dogs.  These animals, as well as highly sensitive people, are very responsive to small changes in their environment.

Empaths often find themselves worrying not only about their own problems and experiences, but the problems and experiences of their friends and families, people they may not even know, and the problems of the world at large.  While many people do think and care about these things, empaths tend to have a more intense personal emotional response to these things, and may find themselves exhausted at caring so much about everything.  Both men and women can be empaths, and highly sensitive individuals exist in similar rates in both men and women.

Empaths typically have the following characteristics as part of their general personality and constitution:

  • Highly emotionally responsive, ability to understand and respond to the emotions of others
  • Easily empathize with animals
  • May cry easily, even at seemingly innocuous moments, commercials or movies
  • Tend to be creative and curious, with a desire to learn about and understand the world
  • Susceptible to over-stimulation, such as crowds, loud noises, or over-work
  • May be inclined towards caring professions, such as nursing, mental health, or teaching
  • May burn-out easily and need reclusive time to recover
  • Tend to observe quietly and take things in
  • Mentally process information deeply and thoroughly

Empaths may often feel different than others, feel misunderstood, or have a hard time understanding why others in the world care so little compared to them. This can lead to a tendency towards introversion, although not all empaths or highly sensitive people are introverted. Many empaths have been told throughout their lives that their way of perceiving the world is wrong, or that they need to “get over” their feelings.  However, recognizing that you are a highly sensitive person or an Empath may help you to understand more about what your unique needs are by learning to value the traits that you have and use them as a strength.

What do Empaths Need?

Empaths tend to work well independently, and also work well in settings that are one-on-one with another person.  Workplace environments with a lot of people, or that are very noisy and simulating may leave empaths feeling drained rather than energized. Socializing may lead to similar experiences.  Knowing that certain environments will feel over-whelming and lead to feeling unwell may help empaths make decisions about career paths and socialization choices that will lead to more fulfilling experiences.

Empaths also may need to have down-time in between experiences that are overwhelming.  For example, after going to a party one evening, an empath may need to make sure they schedule time for solitude in order to recover and regain energy.  They may similarly need to schedule down-time after situations that require a lot of emotional energy, such as caregiving for others, volunteering for charity work, or even engaging with friends to support them.

Knowing if you are an empath may help you understand how to express your needs more assertively.  Empaths may often have difficulty asking for help or even saying “No” when others request help from them.  Their tendency is to try to solve problems for others, but this may sometimes result in the empathic person neglecting their own needs.  Learning to say no to some obligations or requests for help, and learning to schedule time for yourself in order to recover your sense of energy can have a positive effect on your overall mood and improve your ability to interact with the world.

As an Empath, recognize that your highly sensitive qualities are a strength, both to yourself and your community.  Sometimes, you may wish that you could not care as much because of how deeply everything affects you.  However, the world needs highly sensitive people who are attuned to others and who care about how others think and feel.  Empaths have likely long been the healers and the nurturers in human communities, and have been valuable to the societies they live in.  However, empaths can also learn to care as much about themselves as they do others, which they certainly deserve due to the value they bring to other’s lives.