by rachelthemuse | Aug 13, 2018 | Cognitive Distortions, Emotional Intelligence, Motivation, Self-care
This is the 3rd post in my series about Cognitive Distortions, and I am going to cover Personalization. This is a distortion that can include believing that you are responsible for things outside of your control, or it could also mean interpreting things in a way that always reflects back on you. As with all cognitive distortions, this may be something that we have all done once in a while, but if you find that you get in the habit of taking things personally when you don’t really need to, you may want to reflect on how you’re thinking about events that happen around you.
On the first part, believing that you are responsible for things that are actually out of your control, you might feel a sense of guilt or shame about things that are not your fault or that you couldn’t have controlled. For example, if your partner is struggling with a health condition, but isn’t following their treatment recommendations, and you then feel responsible for not doing enough to help when their health declines. Supporting your partner doesn’t mean that you have to take responsibility for things that are out of your control. It’s always important to understand what you do have control over, because we all need to be able to take responsibility for our own actions and choices when we can. Yet we also need to understand when something is out of our control, and recognize our own limitations.
The second part of Personalization is when you turn things around to reflect on you when an event or situation may not be about you at all. Sometimes this comes from a sense of insecurity or anxiety. For example, if you walk into the break room at work, and everyone stops talking, and you mistakenly start to believe that everyone must be talking about you behind your back. In reality, that could have happened for any number of reasons. Maybe they were discussing something private, or maybe it was just one of those weird moments when the room goes quiet. Regardless, if you don’t know for certain what’s going on, you don’t have to waste your energy worrying about it. Sometimes we think situaitons are about us when they really are not. One thing to consider is that most of the time, other people are worried about themselves and thinking about themselves. This just means that most of the time they’re not thinking or worrying about you. Of course there are people who spend their time focused on other people, and in general you don’t want to spend too much time involved with people who gossip or are just snarky in general. Even when someone is treating you poorly, their behavior is about them, not you. It’s easier to handle difficult people when you realize that the way they treat others is actually a reflection of how they feel about themselves. Most of the time, you won’t be able to do anything to change those kinds of people, so you just need to focus on being the kind of person you want be.
If you find that you are often personalizing situations at times when you don’t need to, reflect on why you think this has become a pattern. You may need to ask yourself why you feel responsible for things that you cannot control, or if you are holding yourself to a high standard that no one could realistically meet. Sometimes you may need to ask yourself “is this really about me?” to get a better understanding of a situation and understand how much control you really have. Try to practice asking yourself some of these questions when you are thinking about a situation and believe that it is about you or something you did. If you think that insecurity or anxiety is playing a role in how you are interpreting a situation, you can practice reminding yourself that you are working on not personalizing situations. This is one of those times when I will often recommend developing a personal mantra. A mantra can be any simple phrase that you use to center your thoughts and help clear your mind of negativity. It could be as simple as something like “Peace,” or it could be something more specific. For more on developing a personal mantra, see this post:
The Power of a Personal Mantra
Changing patterns of thinking can be challenging, but the good news is that with practice it becomes easier. Once you are used to reflecting on your thoughts and taking more control over your own mindset, you will be building your emotional intelligence and you will feel more in control over your mentality and your moods.
For more about cognitive distortions, see my other posts in this series:
Coping with Cognitive Distortions: Catastrophizing
Cognitive Distortions 2.0: Disqualifying the Positive
by rachelthemuse | Aug 8, 2018 | Emotional Intelligence, Mental Health, Motivation, Positivity, Self-care
Having a personal mantra is something that everyone can benefit from. When I work with people who have struggled with self-esteem, feelings of anxiety or even feelings of grief or depression, I have often encouraged clients to develop a personal mantra as a way of staying centered, focused, and calm in the face of difficult emotions. Having a personal mantra can help you when you begin to feel overwhelmed, anxious, frustrated or defeated. One great thing about personal mantras is that you don’t have to have just one, and you don’t even have to make it up yourself.
Take, for example, the Serenity Prayer. This is a common mantra that is used in addiction recovery circles and elsewhere, and it basically says: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference” [original credit from the American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr]. Your mantra can be something like this, an inspirational quote with a spiritual focus, or it can be completely different. You could use a song lyric that particularly speaks to you, or something your mother told you frequently when you were growing up that still resonates with you today. The power of a mantra is in its ability to help you focus your mental energy in a positive direction when you need to transition out of negative thought patterns. People often turn to inspirational quotes or wise old sayings in order to provide some comfort and hope during times of struggle (i.e: “this too, shall pass”).
Creating a personal mantra is just about using the messages that resonate most with you and provide you with encouragement and hope when you need a mental re-set. It serves as a source of positive affirmation and directs you to put your energy in a more productive direction. Whatever words you decide to use for your personal mantra, claim them! Decide that this is your new mantra and you are going to use that positive affirmation to help you through your current struggles or to keep you inspired. You don’t have to go around telling everyone, just make sure you internalize that message and use it when you need to.
Tips for creating and using a personal mantra:
– Think about your favorite inspirational quotes, song lyrics from your favorite artists, or words of wisdom you have heard or picked up on from other people you know, OR just make something up and inspire yourself
– Make your mantra short and easy to remember
– Make sure your mantra reflects something you actually BELIEVE
– Ensure that the mantras you will use are positive, uplifting, and encouraging (avoid picking something like “Life sucks and then you die”)
– Post visual images of your mantra in places where you will see it (in your wallet, on your bedroom mirror, on the wallpaper of your computer screen)
– Set a daily reminder to reflect on your mantra at a useful time such as when you first get up in the morning, or before you step into that dreaded Monday meeting that always sours your mood
– Keep repeating the mantra to yourself silently when you are struggling
– Pick more than one if needed
– You can use one for times when you are overwhelmed (“Serenity Now!”), and another for times you need to be inspired (“I can create the life that I want”)
I have several mantras that I use a various times in my life, but just to share, one that I use is “Get out of the Pool”. This phrase is connected to an analogy I use with my clients sometimes, referring to drowning in a pool of self-doubt or negative self-talk. It means that when I feel like I am lingering too long in self-doubt or negative thoughts, I need to get out of that pool before I drown. Sometimes I have to remind myself to get out of the pool, because I’m wasting my times there and it’s not helping me in any positive or tangible way to keep marinating in that self-doubt.
Once you start intentionally incorporating your personal mantra in your life, you will find that its power will grow. Changing our thought patterns and our limiting beliefs can be done, but you must make a conscious decision that you will actively work to re-focus your energy in a positive direction. You do not have to change everything in your life overnight but starting to use a personal mantra will help you shift your energy and focus in a way that will feel more empowering and will help you get through those times when your thoughts feel like they are controlling you instead of the other way around.
This post originally appeared on Medium.com.
by rachelthemuse | Aug 6, 2018 | Mental Health, Self-care
I love it when science backs up things we already know to be true. I’ve known for years that gardening is good for my own mental health; it’s one of my favorite forms of self-care. I garden for many reasons. I think the main reason I love it is because it helps feed my need for creativity, by which I mean creating something that gives me a sense of satisfaction. I love planting seeds and sets and caring for them and watching them grow. I love seeing the beauty of nature in my own space, and how just having a garden invites other little critters and birds, and bees into my home. I love seeing the fruits of my labor, and the best part, harvesting what I’ve grown. In some ways it’s like being a therapist, when you nurture someone and watch them grow and change and become the best version of themselves and really blossom. That’s the best part of therapy, too.
Gardening is an easy recommendation for self-care for those who are so inclined. Getting outside and connecting with nature helps remind us that we are part of something bigger than ourselves, as anyone who has gardened knows that if you neglect your garden, it will wither and die and get eaten by bugs. Humans are the same way. If we do not tend to ourselves, if we do not pay attention to what we need, we will not thrive; we will wilt and fail to bear fruit, and any fruit we do bear will be weak and possibly infested. Exposure to the sun also helps us absorb more Vitamin D, and Vitamin D deficiency has been linked to increased rates of depression. So yes, let the sunshine in if you want to boost your mood. When I work with clients who are struggling with depression or just low threshold moodiness, I often encourage them to get outside and take a daily walk. Just being out in the sunshine and moving around can be enough to get your mind out of a rut and clear your head a little.
The good news is that tending to our gardens, both physical and metaphorical, is excellent for our mental health. Science is increasingly finding support for the connection between our gut health and our mental health. Emerging evidence indicates that our gut bacteria impacts our immunes systems AND our moods, amongst other things. Research also supports letting your kids play outside in the mud, as the exposure to outdoor microbes improves their immune systems. Scientists are just now starting to understand the connection between gut health and specifically Soil-Based Organisms, or the bacteria found in dirt. The preliminary research being done on rodents indicates that a specific strand of bacteria found in soil, M. Vaccae, reduces anxiety and helps mice be less submissive in relationships with other dominant mice. (Improved assertiveness? Can I get a vitamin for that?) Studies on humans have focused on the use of this particular strand of bacteria in the use of probiotics with PTSD patients. Research in humans is ongoing and we don’t have any hard evidence to suggest that probiotics alone can help reduce anxiety or depression in humans. There are a lot of mitigating individual factors, such as how severe the mental health conditions are, the amount of probiotics taken, and the method of introduction. Science is always looking for a way to makes pills out of something, so it’s not surprising that the research has focused on giving people probiotics orally, rather than having them absorb them naturally by actually getting their hands dirty. The strands of bacteria also make a difference, so just because there’s probiotics in your yogurt doesn’t mean that you’re getting the same effects as playing in the dirt. Another strain, Bifidobacteria longum, has been found to help people cope with mild anxiety and memory problems, as well as lowering their levels of the stress hormone cortisol. Research also has found that seniors who garden have lower risks of dementia.
You don’t have to wait for science to make happy-dirt-pills for you, though. You can benefit from gardening now, without eating any yogurt. You also don’t need a lot of space for your garden, as container gardening is a great option for those without a big yard or much outdoor space. Some places also have community gardens that you can rent a plot in and plant whatever you want there. In my town there is a community garden at a neighborhood park, and I’ve heard of some apartment complexes doing the same thing. Whether you decide to go with flowers that attract butterflies and hummingbirds, vegetables or herbs for your own dinner table, or just landscaping your outdoor space to create a tranquil spot for rest and relaxation, getting your hands dirty can help boost your mood and give you a sense of serenity and control in a mad, mad world.
Last year, my family moved from a house where we had a huge yard that I had built a big garden in to a townhome where I have considerably less outdoor space. The downsizing was good in many ways, but I do miss my big garden. However, I switched strategies, and decided to just focus on a couple containers and edible landscaping to feed my need for a Zen outdoor space. Now, I just have a couple barrels, one for cherry tomatoes and one for herbs that has rosemary, mint, and parsley. I planted Lavender along my fence borders and we put some banana trees along the back fence, which gives us both green privacy, and, as of this year, bananas! The lavender is mostly getting munched on by my bunnies, but I don’t care, it’s not like I was going to make that lavender cupcake recipe I had pinned anytime soon anyways because let’s face it, I don’t bake. They also ate all my basil and dill, but I’d rather see them eat it than have the bugs get to it before I remember to make pesto. Luckily, rabbits don’t eat tomato leaves, so they’ve left that barrel alone for now. For me, the combination of the sunshine, the physical exertion, the sense of accomplishment when I’ve finished planting, and the reward of seeing that tiny, tiny eggplant my hard work bear fruit probably does more for my mood that the bacteria I might be getting under my fingernails. Yet it’s nice to know that making gardening a prolonged habit will likely boost my overall immune system and improve my mental health at a biological level as well as a psychological level.
Sources:
https://qz.com/993258/dirt-has-a-microbiome-and-it-may-double-as-an-antidepressant/
https://www.theguardian.com/science/2015/oct/18/probiotic-bacteria-bifidobacterium-longum-1714-anxiety-memory-study
https://www.theguardian.com/science/2018/jun/20/no-clear-evidence-probiotics-can-help-with-human-anxiety-study-finds
https://www.sciencenews.org/article/how-gut-bacteria-may-affect-anxiety
https://www.tigersheds.com/thehiphorticulturist/5-ways-that-gardening-can-improve-your-mental-health/
https://www.vitamindcouncil.org/health-conditions/depression/
by rachelthemuse | Jul 31, 2018 | Cognitive Distortions, Emotional Intelligence, Mental Health, Motivation, Positivity, Self-care
This is the second post in the series I am doing about Cognitive Distortions. For more about what cognitive distortions are and how they negatively impact out life and world-view, see my first post on Coping with Cognitive Distortions: Catastrophizing.
This week I’m going to talk about another distortion called “Disqualifying the Positive”. Disqualifying the positive means we are recognizing only negative aspects of a situation while ignoring the positive. Perhaps you receive a compliment or a positive statement on an evaluation you receive at work or a paper you have turned in, but you only focus on the single negative feedback you also received on your work. When you are in the habit of disqualifying the positive, it makes it hard to recognize the good things you have done, leaving you feeling inadequate, or sometimes even worthless or incompetent. Therapists sometimes refer to this as having a case of the “Yes, but…”s.
Have you ever had a friend that was feeling down, but when you tried to cheer them up, they just refuted everything positive you had to say? Perhaps you tried to compliment someone on a new opportunity they received at work, and the response was “Yes, but they only gave it to me because they already promoted Becky and she’s not around to do it anymore”. When we constantly disqualify the positive things we have going for us in life, or only look to the negative aspects of the situation, we are really not looking at the given situation with the true lenses of reality. Not only is it inaccurate, you’re missing out on the joy you could be experiencing by allowing yourself to recognize the positive things you have going for you.
In life there are few things that are all good or all bad. Even if you’re going to take a vacation in Hawaii, there’s no way you’re getting around that long plane ride. However, if you focus only on how long and cramped and boring the plane ride will be and how much you’re not looking forward to it, you’ll arrive at your vacation grumpy and tired. Some people have a special knack for disqualifying the positive wherever they go, and in general these people aren’t the most pleasant to be around. Other people always have to spend time pointing out to them the positive aspects of the given situation until they begrudgingly accept that there may be a positive to be found somewhere in there.
The antidote to this cognitive distortion is gratitude. Looking for places to find gratitude wherever you go can be a habit that you cultivate. When we look for the positive in any situation we face, we become happier overall, and we become more resilient to negative situations or feedback when it does happen. Some people can accomplish this with starting a gratitude practice, or you can journal about things you are grateful for. They can be very simple things. Even when negative experiences happen, there is usually a lesson that can be taken from the experience, or a kernel of gratitude that can be found if you look for it. If you lose a loved one, perhaps you choose to include a reflection of the positive memories you had with that person as you journey through your grief process, or perhaps you choose to honor their memory by giving back to a charity your loved one cared about. It doesn’t make the loss go away, but it can help with the grieving process and take something negative and insert a little positivity into the situation. There is a great list of simple things to be grateful for over at Radical Transformation Project here:
50 Things to be Grateful for Right Now
For some people, particularly if you have struggled with depression or low self-esteem in your life, looking for the positive doesn’t come naturally. That’s okay because it is a habit that can be changed if you want to start thinking in a more positive and realistic way about your life and your accomplishments. You do not have to automatically disqualify everything positive that happens to you just because there are also negative things that happen. When we ruminate on the negative and give that negativity more energy than we give positivity, the negativity starts to rule our lives. Sometimes, that negative voice that sneaks up on you when something good happens may really be the voice of someone who abused or neglected you, someone who convinced you that you were not worthy of enjoying your life, or that you didn’t deserve good things and didn’t deserve to be recognized when you did something well. Many of us have to learn to combat those negative voices in our heads by consciously choosing to listen to the positive. Think about it like having that little devil on one shoulder and that little angel on then other shoulder. The little angel is trying to say something positive to you, and that little devil just whispers in your other ear “Yes, but…”
Make a decision that you are going to start recognizing the good aspects of the situations you find yourself in, and stop disqualifying the positive. As with any problem, the first step is recognizing that the problem exists and making a commitment to want to change it. When you start to hear “Yes, but…” creeping into your vocabulary, that’s when you know it’s time to brush the little devil off your shoulder and listen to what your little angel has to say to you. It’s okay to be proud of yourself, it’s okay to be imperfect, and it’s okay to take the good along with the bad in any given situation. This doesn’t mean that we put on rose colored glasses and ignore negative situations that need to be attended to or dealt with. It just means that we don’t disqualify the positive at the same time, thereby robbing ourselves of the ability to see both the good and the bad in a situation.
Battling cognitive distortions is not about disqualifying the negative or never making a plan to deal with a bad situation. It just means that we are looking at the full picture with attention to what the reality of the situation is, so that we don’t over-emphasize negativity when it’s not warranted.
by rachelthemuse | Jan 27, 2018 | Abuse, Mental Health, Parenting, Self-care
Many people struggle with healing from an abusive childhood, and when the abuser was a parent, the healing process can be particularly complicated. Everyone has a unique story and the impact on individuals is affected by many different factors. The severity, frequency, and tactics of the abuse, and emotional strain on the victim all impact the degree to which people are able to cope with and recover from past trauma. One area of struggle can revolve around the concept of forgiving your abuser.
Forgiveness is often one our culture’s go-to prescriptions when it comes to dealing with painful incidents that continue to impact our current lives. These prescriptions may come in the form of religious instructions, moral obligations, and the promise of healing. While forgiveness may be an important and helpful step in the recovery process, it is important to understand who it is being done for and why. Otherwise forgiveness itself becomes confusing, complicated, or even meaningless.
At one time in my career I was working as a hospice social worker. Most of my patients were very elderly, and the majority of them had supportive and loving families who had the comfort and peace of the patient as their priority. However, occasionally I worked with families where there was significant emotional strain in the relationship between the dying parent and the adult son or daughter, sometimes due to past abuse by the parent. Needless to say the issues each family was dealing with were unique and there were long and fraught histories involved. I had some family members who spoke to me about their own process of forgiveness and how it helped them to heal and find their own peace, and I had other families who had no interest in a dramatic reconciliation at the deathbed. They were tired of being judged for keeping their distance from a formerly abusive parent, and their own healing was better served by strong boundaries and detachment. Our society loves a Hollywood ending, and popular culture is littered with depictions of those reconciliations.
When I am working with clients to process and heal from childhood abuse, we discuss forgiveness and what it means for their individual recovery process. Some of the things we have to figure out through that process include knowing who the forgiveness is for (the victim, the abuser, or someone else), how it will or will not facilitate their healing process, and why it is being given. The answers to those questions help people come to an honest conclusion about whether they want to forgive their abuser, whether it will help at all, and the intentions behind that forgiveness. I don’t ever tell people that they need to or have to forgive their abuser in order to heal and recover from an abusive childhood. If people feel forced to take the moral high ground by offering forgiveness to someone who may or may not even be in their life anymore, they may continue to struggle to recover because it feels insincere and obligatory. However, if that forgiveness is offered for the right reasons and at the right time, it can be an important step towards releasing the control trauma can have over their life and emotional wellness. The “right reasons and right time” are not for me to decide. Those decisions need to be made by the individual who is healing from that trauma.
As friends, families, communities, and caregivers, we can place value on forgiveness without making it into an obligation for people who have been abused. Coping with the emotional labor of processing the abuse inflicted by a parent who is supposed to love and care for you is difficult enough without having social pressure to rush the process and bring it to a convenient and neat conclusion. Allowing abuse survivors to direct their own recovery and determine why, when, how, and if forgiveness is a part of their healing journey is a more supportive and intentional way to promote recovery.
