by rachelthemuse | Aug 6, 2018 | Mental Health, Self-care
I love it when science backs up things we already know to be true. I’ve known for years that gardening is good for my own mental health; it’s one of my favorite forms of self-care. I garden for many reasons. I think the main reason I love it is because it helps feed my need for creativity, by which I mean creating something that gives me a sense of satisfaction. I love planting seeds and sets and caring for them and watching them grow. I love seeing the beauty of nature in my own space, and how just having a garden invites other little critters and birds, and bees into my home. I love seeing the fruits of my labor, and the best part, harvesting what I’ve grown. In some ways it’s like being a therapist, when you nurture someone and watch them grow and change and become the best version of themselves and really blossom. That’s the best part of therapy, too.
Gardening is an easy recommendation for self-care for those who are so inclined. Getting outside and connecting with nature helps remind us that we are part of something bigger than ourselves, as anyone who has gardened knows that if you neglect your garden, it will wither and die and get eaten by bugs. Humans are the same way. If we do not tend to ourselves, if we do not pay attention to what we need, we will not thrive; we will wilt and fail to bear fruit, and any fruit we do bear will be weak and possibly infested. Exposure to the sun also helps us absorb more Vitamin D, and Vitamin D deficiency has been linked to increased rates of depression. So yes, let the sunshine in if you want to boost your mood. When I work with clients who are struggling with depression or just low threshold moodiness, I often encourage them to get outside and take a daily walk. Just being out in the sunshine and moving around can be enough to get your mind out of a rut and clear your head a little.
The good news is that tending to our gardens, both physical and metaphorical, is excellent for our mental health. Science is increasingly finding support for the connection between our gut health and our mental health. Emerging evidence indicates that our gut bacteria impacts our immunes systems AND our moods, amongst other things. Research also supports letting your kids play outside in the mud, as the exposure to outdoor microbes improves their immune systems. Scientists are just now starting to understand the connection between gut health and specifically Soil-Based Organisms, or the bacteria found in dirt. The preliminary research being done on rodents indicates that a specific strand of bacteria found in soil, M. Vaccae, reduces anxiety and helps mice be less submissive in relationships with other dominant mice. (Improved assertiveness? Can I get a vitamin for that?) Studies on humans have focused on the use of this particular strand of bacteria in the use of probiotics with PTSD patients. Research in humans is ongoing and we don’t have any hard evidence to suggest that probiotics alone can help reduce anxiety or depression in humans. There are a lot of mitigating individual factors, such as how severe the mental health conditions are, the amount of probiotics taken, and the method of introduction. Science is always looking for a way to makes pills out of something, so it’s not surprising that the research has focused on giving people probiotics orally, rather than having them absorb them naturally by actually getting their hands dirty. The strands of bacteria also make a difference, so just because there’s probiotics in your yogurt doesn’t mean that you’re getting the same effects as playing in the dirt. Another strain, Bifidobacteria longum, has been found to help people cope with mild anxiety and memory problems, as well as lowering their levels of the stress hormone cortisol. Research also has found that seniors who garden have lower risks of dementia.
You don’t have to wait for science to make happy-dirt-pills for you, though. You can benefit from gardening now, without eating any yogurt. You also don’t need a lot of space for your garden, as container gardening is a great option for those without a big yard or much outdoor space. Some places also have community gardens that you can rent a plot in and plant whatever you want there. In my town there is a community garden at a neighborhood park, and I’ve heard of some apartment complexes doing the same thing. Whether you decide to go with flowers that attract butterflies and hummingbirds, vegetables or herbs for your own dinner table, or just landscaping your outdoor space to create a tranquil spot for rest and relaxation, getting your hands dirty can help boost your mood and give you a sense of serenity and control in a mad, mad world.
Last year, my family moved from a house where we had a huge yard that I had built a big garden in to a townhome where I have considerably less outdoor space. The downsizing was good in many ways, but I do miss my big garden. However, I switched strategies, and decided to just focus on a couple containers and edible landscaping to feed my need for a Zen outdoor space. Now, I just have a couple barrels, one for cherry tomatoes and one for herbs that has rosemary, mint, and parsley. I planted Lavender along my fence borders and we put some banana trees along the back fence, which gives us both green privacy, and, as of this year, bananas! The lavender is mostly getting munched on by my bunnies, but I don’t care, it’s not like I was going to make that lavender cupcake recipe I had pinned anytime soon anyways because let’s face it, I don’t bake. They also ate all my basil and dill, but I’d rather see them eat it than have the bugs get to it before I remember to make pesto. Luckily, rabbits don’t eat tomato leaves, so they’ve left that barrel alone for now. For me, the combination of the sunshine, the physical exertion, the sense of accomplishment when I’ve finished planting, and the reward of seeing that tiny, tiny eggplant my hard work bear fruit probably does more for my mood that the bacteria I might be getting under my fingernails. Yet it’s nice to know that making gardening a prolonged habit will likely boost my overall immune system and improve my mental health at a biological level as well as a psychological level.
Sources:
https://qz.com/993258/dirt-has-a-microbiome-and-it-may-double-as-an-antidepressant/
https://www.theguardian.com/science/2015/oct/18/probiotic-bacteria-bifidobacterium-longum-1714-anxiety-memory-study
https://www.theguardian.com/science/2018/jun/20/no-clear-evidence-probiotics-can-help-with-human-anxiety-study-finds
https://www.sciencenews.org/article/how-gut-bacteria-may-affect-anxiety
https://www.tigersheds.com/thehiphorticulturist/5-ways-that-gardening-can-improve-your-mental-health/
https://www.vitamindcouncil.org/health-conditions/depression/
by rachelthemuse | Jul 31, 2018 | Cognitive Distortions, Emotional Intelligence, Mental Health, Motivation, Positivity, Self-care
This is the second post in the series I am doing about Cognitive Distortions. For more about what cognitive distortions are and how they negatively impact out life and world-view, see my first post on Coping with Cognitive Distortions: Catastrophizing.
This week I’m going to talk about another distortion called “Disqualifying the Positive”. Disqualifying the positive means we are recognizing only negative aspects of a situation while ignoring the positive. Perhaps you receive a compliment or a positive statement on an evaluation you receive at work or a paper you have turned in, but you only focus on the single negative feedback you also received on your work. When you are in the habit of disqualifying the positive, it makes it hard to recognize the good things you have done, leaving you feeling inadequate, or sometimes even worthless or incompetent. Therapists sometimes refer to this as having a case of the “Yes, but…”s.
Have you ever had a friend that was feeling down, but when you tried to cheer them up, they just refuted everything positive you had to say? Perhaps you tried to compliment someone on a new opportunity they received at work, and the response was “Yes, but they only gave it to me because they already promoted Becky and she’s not around to do it anymore”. When we constantly disqualify the positive things we have going for us in life, or only look to the negative aspects of the situation, we are really not looking at the given situation with the true lenses of reality. Not only is it inaccurate, you’re missing out on the joy you could be experiencing by allowing yourself to recognize the positive things you have going for you.
In life there are few things that are all good or all bad. Even if you’re going to take a vacation in Hawaii, there’s no way you’re getting around that long plane ride. However, if you focus only on how long and cramped and boring the plane ride will be and how much you’re not looking forward to it, you’ll arrive at your vacation grumpy and tired. Some people have a special knack for disqualifying the positive wherever they go, and in general these people aren’t the most pleasant to be around. Other people always have to spend time pointing out to them the positive aspects of the given situation until they begrudgingly accept that there may be a positive to be found somewhere in there.
The antidote to this cognitive distortion is gratitude. Looking for places to find gratitude wherever you go can be a habit that you cultivate. When we look for the positive in any situation we face, we become happier overall, and we become more resilient to negative situations or feedback when it does happen. Some people can accomplish this with starting a gratitude practice, or you can journal about things you are grateful for. They can be very simple things. Even when negative experiences happen, there is usually a lesson that can be taken from the experience, or a kernel of gratitude that can be found if you look for it. If you lose a loved one, perhaps you choose to include a reflection of the positive memories you had with that person as you journey through your grief process, or perhaps you choose to honor their memory by giving back to a charity your loved one cared about. It doesn’t make the loss go away, but it can help with the grieving process and take something negative and insert a little positivity into the situation. There is a great list of simple things to be grateful for over at Radical Transformation Project here:
50 Things to be Grateful for Right Now
For some people, particularly if you have struggled with depression or low self-esteem in your life, looking for the positive doesn’t come naturally. That’s okay because it is a habit that can be changed if you want to start thinking in a more positive and realistic way about your life and your accomplishments. You do not have to automatically disqualify everything positive that happens to you just because there are also negative things that happen. When we ruminate on the negative and give that negativity more energy than we give positivity, the negativity starts to rule our lives. Sometimes, that negative voice that sneaks up on you when something good happens may really be the voice of someone who abused or neglected you, someone who convinced you that you were not worthy of enjoying your life, or that you didn’t deserve good things and didn’t deserve to be recognized when you did something well. Many of us have to learn to combat those negative voices in our heads by consciously choosing to listen to the positive. Think about it like having that little devil on one shoulder and that little angel on then other shoulder. The little angel is trying to say something positive to you, and that little devil just whispers in your other ear “Yes, but…”
Make a decision that you are going to start recognizing the good aspects of the situations you find yourself in, and stop disqualifying the positive. As with any problem, the first step is recognizing that the problem exists and making a commitment to want to change it. When you start to hear “Yes, but…” creeping into your vocabulary, that’s when you know it’s time to brush the little devil off your shoulder and listen to what your little angel has to say to you. It’s okay to be proud of yourself, it’s okay to be imperfect, and it’s okay to take the good along with the bad in any given situation. This doesn’t mean that we put on rose colored glasses and ignore negative situations that need to be attended to or dealt with. It just means that we don’t disqualify the positive at the same time, thereby robbing ourselves of the ability to see both the good and the bad in a situation.
Battling cognitive distortions is not about disqualifying the negative or never making a plan to deal with a bad situation. It just means that we are looking at the full picture with attention to what the reality of the situation is, so that we don’t over-emphasize negativity when it’s not warranted.
by rachelthemuse | Jul 23, 2018 | Cognitive Distortions, Emotional Intelligence, Mental Health, Self-care
This post is going to be the first in a series of posts that I will be doing about Cognitive Distortions. Cognitive distortions are basically little mind games we engage in, or tricks that we play on ourselves that distort how we think about the situations we are in or how we interpret events that happen to us. They can be self-limiting and cause us distress because we are using our emotions to create a narrative that may not be truly accurate. We all fall victim to these cognitive distortions from time to time, but as individuals we may engage in one or more cognitive distortions regularly, so it can be helpful to recognize when we have an ingrained pattern of thinking that is distorted and needs to be changed in order to increase our mental wellness and have a healthy mentality. Today I’m going to talk about a very common cognitive distortion that I have found many of my clients identify with when we talk about these mental tricks we play on ourselves: Catastrophizing.
Catastrophizing basically happens when we take a situation and either make it have more significance than it really deserves (turn it into a catastrophe when it doesn’t have to be) or we predict that a catastrophe is going to occur before we really know the outcome of a situation. Basically this means that you are always expecting the worst case scenarios, and you may take ordinary problems and interpret them in ways that become overwhelming and seem insurmountable.
We often cannot see the positive in a given situation when we are in the midst of a crisis. Yet given time, many situations that we stress and worry about will resolve themselves with time, or you can solve the problem with a little effort. To give you an example, I will discuss a common situation that I ran into with clients: those who were being separated from the military. Being separated from the military can be extremely stressful because it entails a huge shift in your lifestyle. You go from having the military basically be in charge of all major decisions in your life (where you live, for how long, what job you have, where you get benefits for your family from) to being out on your own and in need of a job that provides some of the stability and security that the military provided while you were active duty. In the best of circumstances you have a chance to plan ahead and move forward with those plans when your separation date approaches. However, not everyone gets a lot of advance notice. Sometimes people get separated because of an injury or disability, sometimes people don’t get higher tenure and have to separate, some people don’t make the fitness requirements and have to separate, or they get into trouble because of behavioral problems and face involuntary separation. Regardless of the reason they have to separate they are losing their job. Anyone can understand how stressful and difficult it must feel to know that you are about to lose your job, income, and benefits.
However, just as with everything else in life, we can choose how to interpret and cope with this information. You can argue that being involuntarily separated from the military is, indeed, a catastrophe. That is how many of my clients interpreted their situation when they realized that separation was a possibility. However, once we dug a little deeper into their options, the situation was not always so catastrophic. In fact, we often discovered that separating from the military could end up being a positive change that propelled their lives forward in ways that helped them pursue their higher goals. They realized that they would finally have time to go back to school to pursue other career goals, or they realized that they would no longer have to deal with stress of deployments, the separation from their family, or the grueling schedules they had been keeping. Once we were able to process through their options and find the best path for them to move forward, separation didn’t have to be such a catastrophe. Certainly the adjustment would still be stressful, but it didn’t mean that their lives or their careers were over with. Re-framing the situation to look for opportunities instead of looking only at the catastrophic event of involuntary separation helped them to put their energy into making plans for their future instead of ruminating on the looming changes in a negative way and thinking about all the things they would not have access to anymore. The situation hadn’t changed at all, but the way we were looking at it had.
This is a powerful shift that anyone can do. If you find that you often interpret events that happen as a total catastrophe that you have no control over and can only result in terrible things, or presume that the worst possible outcome will indeed occur, think about how much distress this way of thinking is causing you. Look for your choices. We always have choices, even when we feel that we don’t. The reason this is true is because even in the worst situations, where there appear to be no choices, we always have a choice about our mentality. Sometimes our mind is the only thing we CAN control, and so that’s why it’s so important to make sure your mentality is healthy. Few people get through life without some major hurdles, so we all will come face to face with difficult circumstances or unexpected setbacks. However, choosing to look at a situation and decide that it is a catastrophe will only increase your suffering, and doesn’t help you resolve the issue. Recognizing this pattern and learning to look for your choices will help you to stop turning ordinary problems into overwhelming disasters. Cognitive distortions don’t do us any favors. They may be common, but they don’t have to rule over our emotions if we don’t let them. Ask yourself what difference this situation might make to you in a year, or 5 years. Chances are, many situations are going to be resolved and you will have moved past them by that time, or you may have to make some adjustments in your life. Of course there may be times when an actual catastrophe happens, but that just means you need to reserve your energy and focus to deal with the major problems that you WILL have to deal with, and stop letting ordinary situations (like your boss criticizing your work performance) have undue influence over your mood and happiness.
by rachelthemuse | Jul 16, 2018 | Emotional Intelligence, Medication Management, Mental Health
Note: Always consult with your doctor when making decisions about your options for medication and the severity of your symptoms.
People experience mental health symptoms on a scale, which is to say that the severity of their symptoms vary widely amongst individuals. For example, most people have a bandwidth of happiness in which they exist regardless of their circumstances. Think about happiness as being a scale from 1-10, in which 10 is the most happy, joyful, and blissful mood you can experience, and 1 is being so depressed that you are suicidal. Some people never get to that feeling of 1. Even when things are really bad, such as experiencing the pain of grief, or significant financial hardships, or experiencing a severe trauma or assault, they still never get to the point at which they are suicidal. Maybe that person stays within a bandwidth of 5-9, so that when things are really, really, bad, they would rate their happiness around a level 5, and when things are going really, really well, they get pretty close to that 10 on the happiness scale. There are other people, though, who never ever get to that feeling of 10. They tend more towards depression, and when things are really, really going well, they experience their happiness around perhaps a 7, but when they are really struggling with things going on in their life, or something pretty bad happens, they can become suicidal and really struggle to cope with their circumstances.
All this means is that some individuals may need more interventions depending on where they fall on an overall bandwidth of their symptoms. The same analogy above can be considered when you are thinking about symptoms of anxiety as well. Some people tend to have more of an anxious nature, while others may be very laid back in how they handle life’s curveballs, and many of us land somewhere in between. You can use this analogy to help you determine how severe your symptoms are and whether or not your symptoms are likely to improve with non-medical interventions such as traditional talk therapy, utilizing your coping skills, and reaching out for support from family and friends, or whether you need to seek out medical interventions.
I have found in my clinical practice that many people do not want to take medication for depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, or other diagnoses or symptoms. This is understandable, because no one wants to feel like they have to have a crutch to help them cope with life. However, there is no shame in using a medical intervention when needed to help you better manage your mental health. We use medication all the time to address our physical health needs. Just as we preserve our physical health by using non-medical interventions such as diet, exercise, and lifestyle changes when necessary, we can use our coping skills, support systems, and lifestyle changes to preserve and promote our mental health. However, just as we sometimes need an antibiotic or another medication to manage a temporary or chronic physical condition, we may need to use a mental health medication to manage a temporary or chronic mental health condition.
If you are wondering whether medication is right for your mental health, consider the following in order to help you make a decision about whether a temporary or long-term mental health medication is something you should discuss with a therapist or doctor.
- You have been diagnosed with a mental health condition that includes symptoms of psychosis or other features that necessitate medication management.
- If you have a mental health diagnosis that includes symptoms such as hearing voices, dissociative states, or severe mood swings, medication may be something that needs to be included in your long-term treatment plan. While some diagnoses may be temporary in nature, other conditions such as schizophrenia, dissociative identity disorder, or bipolar disorder require long term treatment and medication is frequently a part of the treatment recommendations. Understandably, there are many people who resist being on medication long term. People with these conditions often do benefit from their medication protocols, but they can be susceptible to lapses in medication compliance because they begin to feel better and mistakenly believe that they no longer need the medication. This can result in a harmful cycle of symptom escalation, which could be avoided with regular compliance with their medication protocols. If you have a more severe clinical diagnosis, it is important to recognize that medication can be an important part of maintaining a good quality of life, with your symptoms being closely monitored by your treatment team and your medications managed by a doctor you trust.
- Your symptoms have been ongoing for a month or longer.
- We all experience temporary struggles in life that can affect our mood and can increase symptoms of depression or anxiety. However, sometimes those feelings become overwhelming and our regular coping skills aren’t cutting it when it comes to managing our mental health. For example, you may experience a significant loss in your life and grief becomes overwhelming. Or, you might be going through an extremely stressful life change, and your anxiety starts to escalate to the point at which you begin to experience panic attacks. While some stress, depression, or anxiety is normal when you experience these major life changes, if you are experiencing significant distress for a month or longer, please consider consulting your doctor or a psychiatrist to help you learn what medical options may help you experience some relief.
- You have begun to experience physical manifestations of your mental health symptoms.
- When your body starts to show physical signs of your mental health stress, it is probably time to consult with a doctor about your symptoms. For example, some anxiety under periods of stress is normal, but when you start to experience panic attacks, tightness in your chest, or hyperventilation, you have crossed a threshold at which medication management may be another tool that you can benefit from to get relief from the distress. This applies to depression, too. Many people experience bouts of depression during difficult times in their lives, but when your depression is causing extreme fatigue, disrupted sleep, changes in weight, body aches and pains, or other physical manifestations, you may benefit from trying an anti-depressant under the supervision of a qualified doctor.
- You have tried utilizing your coping skills and support system but your symptoms have not improved.
- I am a big advocate of utilizing non-medical interventions for mental health treatment and building the right skills to help manage symptoms on your own. However, this doesn’t mean that medication can’t be an appropriate tool to use when your other skills are not helping you to feel better. We all need to develop and use our own coping skills and reach out to our positive support systems when we are distressed. Yet if you have tried these interventions and you are still suffering, there is no shame in seeking out more help when needed. This doesn’t mean you have to be on medication forever, but medication can help your brain chemistry a little bit, and help you get back to feeling normal (whatever that is for you) again.
- You have had thoughts of wanting to harm yourself or other people, or you have engaged in self-harm behaviors such as cutting to relieve or manage your symptoms.
- Self-harm behaviors or suicidal ideations are significant indicators that you may need some help with medication management. No one deserves to feel like they need to harm themselves to experience relief from anxiety or depression, and no one deserves to feel like their life is not valuable enough to fight for. If you have engaged in self-harm behaviors (including disordered eating behaviors like restriction, binging, and purging) or you have thoughts of wanting to harm yourself, you need to talk to a professional about getting your symptoms under control so that you can stop harming yourself and start working towards recovery. Your life and your mental health are worth fighting for and you should not feel ashamed about seeking medical help. If you have significant anger issues that result in you having thoughts of wanting to act out in violence or harm others, you also may need to seek medication in addition to traditional therapy in order to prevent an escalation of these impulses.
- You are engaging in other forms of self-medication such as overuse of alcohol, marijuana or other substances to get relief from your symptoms.
- If you find that you are using alcohol or other substances on a regular basis to experience relief from symptoms of depression or anxiety, your efforts may backfire on you. Alcohol is a depressant, and thus it may temporarily make you feel more relaxed or less anxious, but it can ultimately exacerbate your symptoms. Alcohol also interferes with your sleep, and the lack of quality sleep can also exacerbate your symptoms (hint: passing out is NOT quality sleep!).
- Substance use functions as a form of escapism for many people, but your problems are still there when you wake up in the morning. If you really want to get a handle on symptoms of depression, anxiety, or other mental health conditions, think about your use of substances and whether it is really helping you improve your life, or if it is just serving as a form of self-medication or causing you to avoid seeking professional help.
- Alcohol and other substances can interfere with many medications. If you have consulted with your doctor and decided that medication is right for you, be sure to let your doctor know about your drinking or other habits so that they can ensure you are informed about potential interactions or side effects when taking your medication.
So, what if you have been on medication for mental health symptoms, but now you are feeling better and you don’t want to be on medication any longer? First, recognize that if you are feeling better- this means the medication is working as intended. Some people want to get off medication as soon as they start to feel better, but understand that you may need to stay on the medication for a while longer, especially if you are getting good results. Sometimes people stay on an anxiety medication or an anti-depressant for a year or longer. However, if you have done the work of developing stronger coping skills, or you have had success with traditional therapy and feel as though you are ready to wean off of a medication that you have been utilizing to address your symptoms, you can seek guidance from your providers about your options for the next steps. A good provider will be honest and frank with you about your progress and the risks and benefits of changing your medication protocol. However, if you have decided to go off of your medication, make sure that you do so under the guidance of your doctor. Many medications build up in your body in order to reach a therapeutic level (the dosage at which they are most effective). It is very important not to wean yourself off of a medication without consulting your doctor, because your doctor may be able to help you get off the medication slowly so that you do not experience harsh side effects or a dramatic return of your symptoms. You do not have to feel ashamed about pursuing medication when it is right for you. Think of it as just another tool in your toolbox of coping skills. Deciding to take a medication doesn’t mean you have to stay on it forever, and it doesn’t mean you don’t still have to do the work of going through therapy or otherwise building your other methods of coping and obtaining support. Just understand that medication is a tool, not a panacea to resolve your problems. A medication is not going to magically make your problems go away, but it may just help you get the relief you need to keep moving forward with your life in a healthier and happier way, and there is no shame in that.
by rachelthemuse | Jan 27, 2018 | Abuse, Mental Health, Parenting, Self-care
Many people struggle with healing from an abusive childhood, and when the abuser was a parent, the healing process can be particularly complicated. Everyone has a unique story and the impact on individuals is affected by many different factors. The severity, frequency, and tactics of the abuse, and emotional strain on the victim all impact the degree to which people are able to cope with and recover from past trauma. One area of struggle can revolve around the concept of forgiving your abuser.
Forgiveness is often one our culture’s go-to prescriptions when it comes to dealing with painful incidents that continue to impact our current lives. These prescriptions may come in the form of religious instructions, moral obligations, and the promise of healing. While forgiveness may be an important and helpful step in the recovery process, it is important to understand who it is being done for and why. Otherwise forgiveness itself becomes confusing, complicated, or even meaningless.
At one time in my career I was working as a hospice social worker. Most of my patients were very elderly, and the majority of them had supportive and loving families who had the comfort and peace of the patient as their priority. However, occasionally I worked with families where there was significant emotional strain in the relationship between the dying parent and the adult son or daughter, sometimes due to past abuse by the parent. Needless to say the issues each family was dealing with were unique and there were long and fraught histories involved. I had some family members who spoke to me about their own process of forgiveness and how it helped them to heal and find their own peace, and I had other families who had no interest in a dramatic reconciliation at the deathbed. They were tired of being judged for keeping their distance from a formerly abusive parent, and their own healing was better served by strong boundaries and detachment. Our society loves a Hollywood ending, and popular culture is littered with depictions of those reconciliations.
When I am working with clients to process and heal from childhood abuse, we discuss forgiveness and what it means for their individual recovery process. Some of the things we have to figure out through that process include knowing who the forgiveness is for (the victim, the abuser, or someone else), how it will or will not facilitate their healing process, and why it is being given. The answers to those questions help people come to an honest conclusion about whether they want to forgive their abuser, whether it will help at all, and the intentions behind that forgiveness. I don’t ever tell people that they need to or have to forgive their abuser in order to heal and recover from an abusive childhood. If people feel forced to take the moral high ground by offering forgiveness to someone who may or may not even be in their life anymore, they may continue to struggle to recover because it feels insincere and obligatory. However, if that forgiveness is offered for the right reasons and at the right time, it can be an important step towards releasing the control trauma can have over their life and emotional wellness. The “right reasons and right time” are not for me to decide. Those decisions need to be made by the individual who is healing from that trauma.
As friends, families, communities, and caregivers, we can place value on forgiveness without making it into an obligation for people who have been abused. Coping with the emotional labor of processing the abuse inflicted by a parent who is supposed to love and care for you is difficult enough without having social pressure to rush the process and bring it to a convenient and neat conclusion. Allowing abuse survivors to direct their own recovery and determine why, when, how, and if forgiveness is a part of their healing journey is a more supportive and intentional way to promote recovery.
